Music From My Heart

Housework

2012-01-23T08:06:00.002-06:00

I was going to title this "homework", but then I thought nobody would be interested in hearing me rant any more about homework, so they would pass on reading altogether.

Sometimes when my husband is away for a few or many days I am so organized and my house looks like it has a full time manager.

Other times it looks like it does right now--like someone left the dog home alone and the dog has been vacuuming but not putting away the vacuum or doing dishes or burning trash.

I really don't just do housework for my husband but my motivation seems to be very lacking when he is not here sometimes. Then, I realize that he is coming home tonight and I want it to look welcoming and clean and I'm not sure I can catch up.

It might have something to do with the fact that I have a sinus infection and I feel "sluggish". Also, I might just be feeling really lazy because I drove to Sabetha and home twice in less than 12 hours on Friday/Saturday and then to Manhattan and back on Saturday night. And there might be that Lifetime movie I stayed up way too late to watch last night and then didn't watch the end because I realized that sleep was just way more worth it.

I love having a clean, neat house. My dog doesn't help the matter and not because she leaves the vacuum out.

What gives you motivation to clean when you are just not "feeling it" but you want to live in clean surroundings?

This Day

2012-01-20T08:39:00.004-06:00

Here we are. This day. This day that I've been dreading and the hard part is over but the hardest part is just beginning.

I should have known that the day was going to be interesting. It is so far. But then, sometimes interesting is just what we need.

My daughter had a meltdown over her hair while getting ready for school and it became apparent that we were going to miss the bus. So, while helping my son pack his car and thinking of the coming good-byes, I was running (well, it was me, but it resembled running) down the driveway trying to indicate to the bus driver that we wouldn't be needing his services this morning. Did I mention that I had not yet put socks on and it was about 8 degrees here this morning?

As it turned out, missing the bus was a good thing. We got to all pray together before the guys left and the two kids got a chance to say goodbye.

Oh, I took my antibiotic with my prescriptions after eating breakfast and something happened that has never happened to me before. While scurrying around helping Zach get his stuff in his car I felt my medicine burning itself UP my throat which put me into a coughing fit. Not sure what that was about but it made yet another interesting element to the day.

With hugs and tears we said goodbye and then I realized that I had drive my kid to school. Oh, it is 15 miles one way.

So I went into the bathroom to wash my face and the sobbing began. Soon I heard a little voice outside my door saying, "Mommy, are you okay?"

I've never been so thankful for missing the bus. It was nice to be able to open the door and have someone hold me and let me cry on their shoulder even if I had to bend down to do it. I'm not quite sure my daughter understands why I was crying so much, but she tried to be comforting to me.

So here I am back at home trying to decide what to do first. You can be sure that through it all I will be praying for this guy:

Leaving Ur

2012-01-19T08:45:00.001-06:00

Recently I started attending a new Bible study at my church. It is the Patriarchs study by Beth Moore. I love how she uses God's Word to teach us about God and to apply it to our everyday lives.

We've been learning about God calling Abram to a land he didn't know from his home of Ur. One of the things that we are doing in the study is using Ur as an acrostic for our own lives which we're calling Usual Routine.

If I haven't completely scared away everyone from reading this blog you know that I am totally living Abram's life right now. God just keeps calling me out of my usual routine and is asking me to follow Him to a place I don't recognize yet.

Today I'm preparing. I'm preparing physically and emotionally for my youngest son to leave home and go to a land I do not know--North Carolina. It sounds wonderful and I can't wait to visit there. But today I'm loving Ur just a little too much. Today I would rather send him back to his college an hour away from home where I can pop in and have lunch with him occasionally or see him on a weekend if he comes home.

I'm pretty sure that my son feels a bit like Abram too. He's lived 3 hours away from home before, but that was with his older brother. In Canaan (North Carolina) there are no brothers, friends, mothers, fathers. It is an unknown land. But I'm trusting that it is a land of wonderful people, lessons in life, and growing in grace.

And Jesus is there waiting in the wings. Just like He was for Abram. Abram's descendants had to wait hundreds of years through many trials in the land that God promised. But Jesus was there. Waiting in the wings. At just the right time He burst into history and rescued mankind from ourselves.

He's still here whispering to us, to me:

"In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you, says the LORD." Jeremiah 29:12,13

"My heart has heard you say, "come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "LORD, I am coming." Psalm 27:7,8

Again He whispers,

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6,7

"So God has given us both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to his promise with confidence. This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain of heaven into God's inner sanctuary. JESUS HAS ALREADY GONE IN THERE FOR US." Hebrews 6:18-20a

What is you Ur?

To My Daughter's Teachers , Coaches, Friends, & Family

2012-01-13T16:55:00.000-06:00

It kind of seems like I have been on a "downer" lately if you are following my blog. Sorry about that.

Because here I go.

I had forgotten about the NOTES feature on facebook and recently re -read the ones I had written before I blogged. It has inspired me to write this open letter to the folks mentioned in my post title.

Here's the original note:

Tonight was another difficult night of homework with my dear little girl. How my heart aches for her. At one point we ended up (AGAIN) with me holding her (and the truth is she is not so little anymore) and both of us crying. We were crying but I think we both were angry. Angry at the woman who birthed her and made the choice to drink and or take drugs while she was pregnant. Angry because someone else's actions have affected my little girl's entire life though she herself was guilty of nothing but being conceived. Angry because most of the other kids in her class can read so easily. Angry because other kids can remember their homework assignments since their short term memories are still so young and childlike and unaffected by brain damage. Angry because their moms don't have to spell every single word they want to write when doing simple essay questions. Angry because no one else in her class wears hearing aids yet still doesn't hear that great. Angry because she wants so much to be able to control her behavior and not make noises or be so loud or have sudden outbursts of mean words. Angry because her left leg is much shorter than the right leg and she has to have yet another surgery to get it CLOSE to being normal. Angry because we both know she WANTS to understand cause and effect and behavior and consequences but she just CAN'T. Angry because no matter what she will always be different and have these problems and there is NOTHING WE CAN DO TO FIX IT!

But now that we have had this moment of being angry about all of those things, we can be happy and thankful that we have each other. Happy that even though there is nothing we can do about all of the "issues" we deal with every day, we love each other and always will.

But it still makes my heart ache.

I had several very kind responses to my writing and posting this in 2009 for which I was so grateful. Emotional support is huge.

This week, I attended my child's IEP meeting at school. This was the first time that she was allowed to attend herself since next week she will be 14.

Towards the end I asked her to go get her things to get ready to go home. I talked for a couple minutes to the new school psychologist to let her know that cerebral palsy isn't our only disability. I wanted her to know that there are some things I believe my girl just will never be able to do well and that it is not for lack of trying.

Every single teacher that sent comments said that she is the hardest working student that they have in class. I have always heard that from her teachers. I so appreciate their hard work with her at school and as part of our community.

But I wish I could have shared the thoughts of that note with the teachers who had come in for a couple minutes to sign that they had attended the meeting. I wish that they could understand that she has come SO far in her behavior but there are still things in that sweet little brain that will never click.

I want them to know this when they shout at her during a ballgame for not remembering the right thing to do.

I want her friends to realize that she has a heart of gold that is tender and that she wants to please God with her life.

I want her siblings to not forget that she did not come into the world like they did, with loving parents waiting for her arrival and with all her brain cells functioning perfectly like theirs.

I want the people working the concession stand to know that using money scares her to death because her brain just can't grasp the concept of "how much is how much".

Yes, I have been frustrated and at times wondered what I had gotten myself into with my child.

But I remember our Russian translator crying as we left the country the first time after our visit with our soon-to-be daughter. She told us that Anna would never have been allowed to go to school or learn anything beyond day to day necessities because she was considered "defective" and "uneducable" in their orphanage system.

We have been blessed to be able to have a part in seeing such a miracle as Anna in our lives.

Like Broken Glass

2011-12-16T14:46:00.001-06:00

Occasionally I read a blog by someone I don't know, but, who knows someone I know. You know what I'm talking about.

Anyway. She likes to sometimes rate her posts as BH as a kind of warning like a movie rating. Today I'm rating this post BH (brutally honest).

I'm just going to say it: It's been a rough week around here. Most weeks are pretty much just like this one when it comes to activities and such. But the emotional tsunami of me is off the charts just now.

It will be hard to relate my thoughts here without just sounding like I'm whining, but stay with me.

As my friends in the deeper South like to say: Y'all Christmas is coming so soon! Truthfully, that is the least of my issues. I've really, really tried to take things more in stride this year and do what I can when I can and not worry about the rest. I've done about 98% of my shopping online and it has been wonderful. There's something wonderful about someone coming to your door and bringing you a package, even if it is not for you! But I'm feeling the pressure.

I didn't write a Christmas newsletter this year and I'm feeling really guilty about it. To quote someone else, "I ran out of nice things to say about all of us." I just sent a little update on each of my kids and left it at that. At some point, I've just run out of clever things to say about each of us that is new or different from the last year. Not to mention that blogging fulfills a writing need in me so I've got that going for me!

Fibromyalgia.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

I have a girl in middle school. Again, that's all I need to say.

We've had a major activity EVERY SINGLE NIGHT THIS WEEK.

I have an adult son with a broken heart. I. Can't. Even. Express. How. Difficult. This. Is.

Two of my adult children need their wisdom teeth out. Can I mention here that this morning I was reading the news about young people who are dying after or during this surgery?

That might not seem like much to you, but for me, it is a tsunami.

Through all of the activities of this week I've had to fight the urge to just cry my eyes out and wail about how painful life can be. And quite honestly, sometimes I've been a bit grouchy. (I forgot that bullet point about me being a middle aged woman!)

Just now I got home from getting groceries and a song came on the radio by Natalie Grant. Anna loves her and has her CD. I enjoy singing along with her but usually don't "hear" the words of the song she was singing. But today I heard. And today they were so totally describing me it was scary.

I have been a wayward child

I have acted out

I have questioned Sovereignty

And had my share of doubts

And though sometimes my prayers feel like

They're bouncing off the walls

The hand I hold won't let me go

And here's the reason why

I will stumble, I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes

I will face heartache

But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

And here's where it has really hit home:

Bitterness has plagued my heart

Many times before

My life has been like broken glass

And I have kept the score

Of all my shattered dreams

And though it seemed

That I was too far gone

My brokenness helped me to see

It's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
And though I've been torn

I will not be moved, no, no
I will not be moved, no

I will not be moved, no

I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

I will not be moved, no, no
Not be moved, no, no, no, no, no

Oh, sweet readers! I have kept the score. I have been broken. Bitterness plagues me sometimes. I've acted out and been so ashamed! My dreams for my kids are sometimes broken. I think we all tend to wear the chaos of our lives like a badge as if to say, "Look at my life. I have so much going on and I MAKE IT HAPPEN!"

Today, I'm confessing. I need Jesus! I can't make it happen. I can't fix broken dreams. Or wishes to have my child feel like she matters to someone. There is so much pain that I cannot fix.

And I just needed to say that here. I pray that you will see me through the eyes of forgiveness and compassion. We all need a little more of that.

Christmas Spirit

2011-12-14T08:55:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure why, but over the past several years I've struggled to get "into" the Christmas season. But once I get the decorations out and up and the packages start rolling into my driveway via the UPS truck, I'm there.

Maybe it is all the physical work involved in each aspect of the preparations of the season. I'm not lazy. Well, I'm kind of lazy, but mostly I'm in pain.

Anyway. Here are a few things that are making me Christmas happy:

We don't open up the attic for much except Christmas around here. It always makes me happy when I see our cat, Tigger, lay claim to the ladder.

When you first enter my house you'll see this. My favorite thing to do is to light all of the candles around my house and enjoy the warm glow that it makes.

We normally hang our jackets on this but right now it has become another decorative thingamajig to brighten our spirits.

I love this little lady on the shelf. My husband bought out a WillieRaye Studio collection that was selling for pennies on the dollar a few years ago. I so love their whimsical folk artsy-ness.

We do have a fireplace but we use it for fires! So I've gone to hanging the stockings on this antique ladder that normally holds pictures of my kids.

I love this little corner of my "great room". Someone dear sent me that Christmas card in the frame and I love its old fashioned Christmas look.

My mantle evolves every year but I love the look of the reflection of the candles burning in the mirror.

Isn't it great that my favorite color is red?

When the decor is up you almost don't notice all the St. Bernard goo on the walls.

Nothing says Christmas like garland on the staircase, don't you think?

I bought extra candles to use for a special day at church so I'm finding ways to use them ALL over my house.

This is a cherished secluded hide away which I need to be using more than I do right now. Maybe I'll get a good book for Christmas!

Last night was a special time for our family. We came from all corners of Kansas and met up in a "city" to see a concert that made memories for all of us. Our kids have literally grown up listening to Mannheim Steamroller music. It was great to sit with them in a long row and hear their expressions of "yes!" when a familiar song began.

Merry Christmas!!

Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T11:15:00.001-06:00

I was too busy cooking, cleaning, eating, and dog sitting to take pictures yesterday. But my 13 year old grabbed the camera and took these.

Yes, my table is, well, uh, primitive. There is a story to this but I don't feel like writing it down here right now.

Anna made this which was a gift from her Aunt Susan. He graced the "kids table".

The "adult" table. I guess we were the turkeys.

The food. This was before the "presentation" was complete.

MEAT!

Not sure what was happening here but I'm sure neither of these folks will like their image.

Unwilling photo subjects.

Nelli, Samson, Jersey.

And if I could get a picture of the human children for a Christmas card, it WOULD be a miracle!

Something A Mom Treasures

2011-11-21T07:41:00.001-06:00

These were my instructions for making a lunch this morning. Please don't make fun. She's come so far.

Veteran's Day Roadtrip

2011-11-14T18:13:00.001-06:00

The three of us here at home took a little road trip over Friday and Saturday to the great White North. Our nephew got married in August in a small, family wedding and the reception was held over this past weekend.

So around noon on Friday we loaded up the sweet Murano and headed north. We took a different route than we would normally have taken and it was fun to see some different countryside than we normally do.

As we drove through one of the familiar Nebraska towns while driving we came upon a beautiful Veteran's Day tribute and just had to stop and take a few pictures.

Doesn't that just make your heart sing? There is nothing like small town America to get your patriotic blood flowing.

As we edged up through Iowa we saw that remnants of the great flooding of 2011 are still in place. We saw this standing water right after we paid a toll to cross the oldest looking toll bridge ever. I wanted to take a picture of the tollbooth and the bridge but didn't want to have to stop on a road that didn't have a shoulder to get out to take it.

I have to say that northwestern Iowa certainly is quite at its capacity when it comes to casinos which for me truly ruined the landscape. But it was fun to see some hills while we traveled through the "bluffs".

We arrived at our hotel in the lovely town of Mankato (remember when the Ingalls used to go there on Little House?) around 7:30 and checked into our hotel followed by some dinner. By the time we were done eating we were all pretty tired. So we settled in and some of us went to sleep while the other two watched TV for a while.

Saturday morning we got up late and had breakfast in the hotel lobby. By the time we were ready to check out we decided to just go to the venue of the reception and hang out with our family. We ended up helping the mother of the bride set up some stuff while we waited for our people to arrive. My sister in law asked me to help her pick out her outfit so we went back to her room and did a fashion show.

The reception was fun and here are a few pictures to prove it:

The back of that beautiful dress.

I tried to get a fun pose but I'm not sure that Joel "got it".

Our sis, brother and the bride and groom.

Cutting the wedding cake.

This cake had a story that I never got to hear.

Some of our family at our table.

It was a fun time and it ended all too soon for us. We left the party at 4:30 and got home around 1:30 in the a.m. Along our ride home we saw some towns that brought back good memories for me from my traveling LEM days as did the small towns of Minnesota.

Home felt pretty good to us, especially our own cozy beds.

Congratulations to Joel & Angie!!! We hope you have a long, happy life together.

Too Excited To Sleep

2011-11-10T08:16:00.000-06:00

Thursdays are my "down" day. I'm usually tired because my Wednesdays leave me so "up" that I find it hard to get to sleep.

Wednesday nights I get to go to worship band practice and as of the last 9 weeks I've also been going to a Bible study. So, I drop the kid off at youth group, go to Bible study and then spend an hour or so worshiping and jamming with some fun friends.

By the time I drive the 3o+ minutes home my brain is pumped up from all the fun. So I always find it hard to "come down" and feel sleepy. So I usually do something that stimulates my brain even more like reading, computering, or watching television and that makes it all worse.

This morning I was able to get some sweet, deep, sleep in between the loud alerts from my alarm clock shouting at me that it was time to get up. It is amazing how great you can sleep in the ten minutes between each time you hit the snooze button!

I do have to say, too, that my husband and I have recently done a couple things in our bedroom that make it a much better experience to sleep there.

Oh! Got your attention there, didn't I?

Settle down. One thing I did was to get a really good pillow. I've struggled with neck pain and just not good sleep for so long not realizing how much my pillow was affecting that. Now, my husband can sleep anywhere, anytime at the the drop of his head to the pillow. Or I should say, pillows. He requires up to 3 of them most of the time. But he's not too picky about which ones. I'm sure he could write a blog about "why do women need so many pretty pillows on the bed" and it wouldn't be complimentary.

Recently I bit the bullet and ordered a special pillow for myself that has been a great help in getting better sleep and less neck pain. Let's just say that I look forward to sleeping even more than usual.

The other thing we did was so long overdue it seems silly to talk about it. We built this house in 1996, moved in May 1997. At that time we bought a special mattress to help me deal with pain better and we have both benefited from better sleep because of it. But over the past several YEARS I've noticed that my side of the bed had a sink hole for some reason. I thought our mattress was worn out but I came to realize that a certain little someone, who we imported 10 years ago, had spent an inordinate amount of time jumping from our dresser to our bed (my side) while watching TV. I had almost forgotten that I caught her doing it once or ~~twenty times~~ twice.

All this to say that last week my husband went out and bought a new box spring for our bed and it has been unreal the difference it has made. I figure that we had probably had the old one for about 5 or more years prior to moving here so that thing was a good 20+ years old.

PEOPLE! Get a new box spring more than once in 20 years! Trust me, it will change your life.

Our Very Existance

2011-11-08T09:34:00.003-06:00

Today in my devotional book it said (speaking from the voice of Jesus), "Look back on your life, and see how I have helped you through difficult days."

A few days ago I was looking for something in my nightstand. Though I have cleaned and organized it in the past year, there were still some things that needed to be thrown away as well as some that I will save forever.

I came across a bunch of things that I have written over the years--my poetry booklet, a journal, "Lambie the puppet" skits I wrote and did at church, the book I wrote after meeting my birth mom, and something else.

It was written during the year that our second born son was dying before our very eyes. People were so good to us and prayed for us. But going through a trial like that opens you up to being "viewed", so to speak, by everyone who knows about your situation.

So, since cancer is kind of beating my extended family with a stick these days I thought I would share my thoughts from so many years ago...

These past few months have been a difficult time for our whole family. The other day I got a picture in my mind of what it has felt like to me. I was in the midst of my quiet time and in my prayer-like state I said to the Lord, "I feel like our whole family is like a group of wriggling, struggling bugs that are pinned up on a big poster for our whole world to watch as we wriggle through these trials."

Then the revelation hit me. The "pin" or "nail" holding us to the background was Jesus.

Jesus.

It was my Lord and Savior who was piercing me through and holding me up to be displayed as everyone around watched me struggle to survive. How could it be that the very One who loves me most would allow me to suffer so greatly?

Then, I saw it from another angle.

Yes, the nail, the pin, whatever the object that was holding me to the wall was Jesus. But He was holding me. I didn't have to hold on myself. He was doing all the holding for me. Sure, it hurt to be pierced through and have my insides revealed to everyone around me. But the nail was one of love and compassion. Jesus was holding us.

After contemplating this picture in my mind for a few days it struck me what kind of parallel this created. Suddenly, I saw Jesus hanging on the cross writhing in pain and suffering in front of the whole world.

This time the nail was me. My sin. It was holding Him there. I was the one who caused so much suffering for Him. And yet, He did it willingly, faithfully, lovingly.

How could I complain about the trifle sufferings of this life when the nail holding me together is Jesus?

During that time in my life God gave me the words to a precious "song" that I wrote--the only one I wrote all by myself--and it was based on the very same verse that was a part of my morning devotional today.

"For in Him we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28a

2011-11-01T15:31:00.000-06:00

WELCOME

NOVEMBER!

Heavenly Beef Pot Pie

2011-10-25T11:50:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed or not, but I love good food. And I especially love me some good comfort food! The problem is that I have oodles of food allergies to some of the best foods out there. Now, it is pretty obvious that I have not suffered in the area of getting enough to eat, but I've been missing out on some great tastes for most of my life.

Last week I went to the grocery store with my college girl and we were walking through the frozen food section. I caught sight of something that I have loved since I was a kid but haven't actually eaten since then. Pot pies! My mom used to keep some of those yummy Swanson ones on hand in our freezer when I was young. I would bake them (they took forever in the oven for those of us who remember TBM--time before microwaves) and be so excited to dig into their yummy goodness. Then I would put it on a plate and cut into it in order to remove the peas (allergy) even though their former presence would still be felt.

I picked up a beef pot pie last week and checked the ingredients list. Scanning, scanning...no peas! But then: chicken broth! Chicken + me = death. Thus, I started dreaming about creating a pot pie that I could put together myself and ENJOY! Sunday afternoon I was home alone nursing a sore back and decided it was now or never. I found a recipe online and planned to make it as soon as possible with a few alterations.

SUCCESS! It required many HOURS of preparation but it was so worth it.

First, I cut up sirloin steak into cubes and put them into a saucepan with about 1/2 cup of chopped onions. These were browned and then water was added to just cover the top of the meat. Then I simmered it for 3 hours on low. And oh, the smell was heavenly. I also salted and peppered the meat while it was browning.

Next I made the pie dough that I have been wanting to try for about a year. I had found the recipe in a magazine and hoped it would be more successful for me than pie crust had been in the past. That needed to be refrigerated for at least 2 hours so into the fridge it went.

Peeled and chopped 3 potatoes and the amount of carrots that I wanted to use.

I put the veggies into beef broth (about 14 oz), brought it to a boil and then simmered for about 20 minutes. When meat and veggies were done I removed them from their pans and put into a large bowl. Make sure you leave the broth in the pan in which you cooked the taters and carrots. Then I added a can of corn since I can't do the peas thing.

I put the bottom crust into the pie plate and then filled it up with the meat and vegetable goodness.

Then you use the broth to make the "gravy". Thicken the broth with 1/3 cup of cold water mixed with 3 T. of corn starch and cook for 5 minutes. I added some more beef broth to make more gravy. That is my theme song "MORE GRAVY."

I added the top crust and then baked it for 30-35 minutes in a 350 degree oven.

Comfort food heaven!!!

Legalism vs. Purity

2011-10-20T08:00:00.001-06:00

This morning I started week 7 of a Beth Moore Bible study and it is BLOWING MY MIND. And the coolest thing about it is that everything that God is pouring into my life through His Word is reinforcing everything else that is Biblical. It really isn't surprising to me. It is just so cool how God's Word is complimentary from beginning to end and back again.

I've struggled my whole life to understand the Old Testament instructions about the Tabernacle and the sacrifices that God required from His people. I guess that I could see how it was necessary for them to do these rituals since Messiah had not yet come to redeem them. But I could not see how it was necessary for me to really understand it. I got bogged down by the different sacrifices and ALL THAT BLOOD being reported over and over again throughout the first several books of the Old Testament.

It is so amazing how God leads us through a journey of understanding and how one lesson of Scripture leads to and confirms another lesson of Scripture. (I'm also thinking that my parents were genius in wanting me to attend Bible school following high school and I'm sorry that I didn't take their advice.)

While I can't take you through the entire seven weeks of what we have studied so far about the Tabernacle and how it applies to our lives today, I can share what God has spoken to my heart today.

In an earlier post I think I was struggling yet to understand some things and was unable to fully express it. It is hard to differentiate sometimes between "legalism" and "purity". (AND it is good to know that you can learn something new even in your late 40s.)

Last Sunday, our pastor so beautifully illustrated how Jesus did NOT come to save us because of His great love for us. He DOES love us and that was what motivated Him to fulfill the Father's will. But God's Holiness DEMANDS that He save us because we are completely unable to save ourselves. We are sinful. God is Holy. Holiness and sin cannot coexist. Period. Therefore, it is because of God's love for us that He was willing to redeem us so that we could stand as righteous before God and have relationship with Him. It is not about us!!!

And that, my friends, is why God gave us the illustration of His coming sacrifice in the requirements of the Tabernacle. One of the questions in our lesson today was "why did God impose such concrete qualifications for His priesthood?" Bear in mind that because of Jesus and what He did on the cross that we are now ALL called priests and it is no longer a title but a state of being. Leviticus 22:31-33 tells us the answer: so as not to treat His holy name as common and ordinary.

BINGO!

I've taught my children things over the years without even realizing the WHY of what I taught them. WHY do we do certain things and not do certain other things? It should all go back to God. So that the world can see that God is God and He is Holy. Therefore, we should live our lives set apart from the world so as not to treat His holy name as common or ordinary!!!!!!

Living lives set apart from the world makes us different! That should not make us say "look at us, we're better than you." It is meant for us to say "Look at us. Our God is Holy and we want to please Him in all that we do so we live lives set apart to BRING HIM GLORY!"

My parents taught me this but I didn't always get it. I got caught up in the doing and the not doing. If our behavior is different but our hearts are evil it doesn't matter what we are doing differently.

I'm afraid that what I taught my kids too often was how to have good behavior rather than how necessary it is to have a pure heart before God. How I pray that before we are gone from this life we can all get the heart thing down and let God show us how to work that out in our actions.

Oh, Be Careful Little Cyclone

2011-10-06T10:59:00.000-06:00

When I woke up this morning I was thinking about cyclones. (Okay, I admit, it was the second time I woke up this morning. I got up around 5:45 to wake my daughter for school and then I went back to bed. Thankfully, my husband was here and he took care of the morning routine for me. I haven't been feeling well and needed some extra rest.)

Maybe it was because it is windy today. Also, I saw a cyclone last night on my way to Bible study/worship band practice and they always fascinate me. It certainly can't be because I dreamed about them because there was that school bus I was driving and got those low tires that I had to be careful of and I was driving at high speeds even though I was dozing off while driving....

My dreams are weird.

Anyway. Cyclones are interesting because they are kind of invisible and yet we see all the "stuff" that they collect swirling around them. And because apparently my mind thinks very metaphorically, it got me thinking. We are all cyclones.

We swirl through our lives like cyclones picking up all the "stuff" we surround ourselves with and the people who watch us SEE who we are by what kind of "stuff" we have in our cyclone.

I have to say that I'm not too proud of some of my stuff in my cyclone. But it is there. Where everyone can see it. In my conversations. On my facebook wall. Woven into the activities that I involve myself and my family. On my television or computer screen.

If you grew up in the era that I did and went to a good Bible teaching church you probably know the song "Oh, Be Careful Little Eyes What You See". That song was drilled into me from infancy. And it was lived out in my parents' lives and their example in our home.

So, I guess the Spirit of God was whispering to my heart this morning, "Oh, be careful little eyes what you see. Oh, be careful little hands what you do. Oh, be careful little feet where you go. For the Father up above is looking down in love. Oh, be careful..."

Oh, Father, touch me with the "hot coal" of your holiness and cleanse me. Because my stuff is sometimes so dirty and ugly.

Since when you look at me and my cyclone of a life you're going to see all that "stuff" swirling around me. I want it to be great stuff.

What's Wrong With Me?

2011-09-27T08:50:00.000-06:00

"Is it just me or was that really rude?"

That is what I said after being in a fabric store yesterday. I'm looking for a particular kind of fabric for some Christmas projects and I can't find it anywhere.

Since we had the day off from school yesterday, my one and only at home and I went to the big town to do a few things. One of my goals was to go to a nationally known fabric store and see if they had the fabric I so desire.

We went in and I looked around for quite a while as the 3 clerks in the store talked to each other.

When I couldn't find what I needed I asked one of the clerks. She looked at me as I was about to ask her as if I had three heads. She replied with a cross looking face "No, I have no idea where you would find that." Then she pretty much dismissed me like you would a naughty child who had been screaming in her face.

As we got into the car I said to my daughter, "that seemed really rude." My daughter can be socially clueless at times so she said, "I don't think so."

What do you think?????

Autumn in Kansas--Stacking Up the Dead Bodies

2011-09-23T07:53:00.000-06:00

I love fall! Today is the first day, I believe. I just want it to last and last until it transforms right into spring. Unfortunately, we have to have winter in the middle of those two.

There are so many things to love about fall.

Things like this.

And this.

And the way the sun falls differently on this.

But there is another aspect of fall that leaves much to be desired. Growing up in Illinois, fall meant an influx of crickets to our home. It seemed as if all of our waking hours at home in autumn there were consumed with killing and disposing of crickets. My cousin made a game of it by throwing them at the wall back when we were young and crazy.

Here in Kansas we have another pest. Not really many crickets try to make it into my home. Our autumn nuisance pest is millipedes. Our family mistakenly calls them "wireworms" because that's what they look like. But I found out this morning on the interweb that they are officially called millipedes.

Looks like the bodies are stacking up just like always. Good to know that some things never change!

Happy Autumn!

To Owl A Goodnight. . .

2011-09-20T09:12:00.000-06:00

Remember that little pile of fabric I was excited about? Well, things are happening around here in the creative design department once again.

I can see now that my original intent to make this and give it as a graduation gift last May was totally unrealistic. But I'm hoping by Christmas I will get it done.

Here's a sneak peak...

I'll Never Get Over This

2011-09-19T09:25:00.000-06:00

Each year that it comes around, I still can't get over the incredible grace and mercy of this.

True Life

2011-09-12T08:00:00.000-06:00

I've had a whirlwind of a week, It has been an emotional roller coaster as well as a physical drainer. But it has been so rich and sweet.

Why is it that most of life's truest experiences are such a paradox of emotions?

My beloved, sweet Uncle Stan died a week ago after a very brief and unexpected illness. I say that even though he was 84 years old. Stan was one of the most fit, youthful, people I have ever known and I've known him my WHOLE life. He and my dad were best friends who married sisters. Can you imagine anything sweeter? Both of our families' lives paralleled each other in many ways. My parents and my aunt and uncle got married a year apart and a day apart. My mom and her sister are so similar that they often buy each other the same gift or wear the same color or similar outfits. Each family adopted 3 children and we were all "matched" in age. We spent countless hours together as children and to me, my cousins (as were all my cousins) were more like siblings than "relatives". I've mentioned before that we took many trips and vacations together and our lives intertwined like a seamless garment.

I was incredibly honored when my aunt asked me to sing at Uncle Stan's funeral. Last Wednesday I drove up to Illinois by myself to attend the visitation, funeral and spend time with my family, though it was much too brief.

On Saturday I drove home and am now back to reality. It felt so wonderful to be back in the warm cocoon of my "growing up" family. I saw people--hundreds of them--at the visitation that I hadn't seen in years, some, for decades. It was very hard to say goodbye to the people I love so much again. It seems like all I've done for 28 years is say goodbye to them. And our time together is always too brief.

Being at the funeral made me realize something more important, though. These people that I love so very dearly are all going to"leave" me someday in a way that I can't quite grasp onto in my finite mind. They will depart this life and the "cocoon" of our fellowship will be diminished by their passing. But the joy of a future reunion is what keeps me going. I KNOW without a doubt that I will see my Uncle Stan again and he will be strong, healthy and vibrant again. He'll be waiting with my dad and lots of others that by then will have joined the eternal "party" before me. Maybe I will get there before some of them. We don't know.

But what we DO know is that Jesus promised us that if we trusted Him we would be together FOREVER one day WITH Him and each other.

I don't think I shall ever forget the sight of my dear aunt walking into her husband's funeral. The congregation was singing How Great Thou Art. The immediate family sang as well while they entered the sanctuary and she was singing with her head and hands uplifted to Jesus in praise, tears streaming down her face as she sang.

My heart is overcome with thanks for a heritage like this.

The Difference

2011-09-01T08:28:00.001-06:00

Plant metaphors are so easy to come to and terribly simplistic. But sometimes truth is that way, too.

Everyone knows that this summer was hot beyond belief. I did pretty well at keeping up to pulling the weeds in my landscaping. And then, I just went to trying to keep the plants alive. Forget the weeds. I spent hours watering before sun rise which was a huge sacrifice for someone who loves to sleep in a bit.

We have had a bit of a respite from the heat for a few days. Now they say the sun is about to pour it on again. So I watered the plants this morning and took a look again at my bed around my mailbox. It was disgusting. I've been embarrassed to have my mail delivered!

Let's just say that if you find yourself mowing around the edges of a bed to help keep some of the weeds down, you are in trouble. So I did just a little work and pulled the weeds in the picture above. I have a long ways to go but that is a good start.

Something that I've always noticed about weeds is that usually the bigger they are the easier they are to pull out. Kind of like sin. It is so much easier to see the "bigger" sins and decide to repent of them and get them out of our heart. I mean, duh? So obvious.

But those little ones......

You know what I mean. The weeds that grow close to the ground whose roots are waaaaaay deeper than those big fluffy weeds that SEEM to cover so much ground. Those little ones are hidden and send deep, deep roots trying to establish themselves in our landscapes.

Just like sins. I find that usually the little things that I can "hide" are more deeply rooted in my heart than the obvious really "sinful" things that we all agree to be hideous.

Sometimes those weeds actually look like little flowers. So deceptive.

And so it is with sin.

So this morning I'm convicted to toss the big, ugly obvious sins quickly out of my life and go for rooting out the small, deceivingly lovely ones that I have rooted deep down in my heart.

The difference is so wonderful!

Anticipation

2011-08-26T09:06:00.000-06:00

Getting pretty excited about this little pile of fabric!

Time Passages

2011-08-25T15:01:00.000-06:00

It seems like everybody I know on Facebook that has kids is commenting on how fast time has flown and how quickly their children are growing up. So I'm kind of caught up in that thought pattern.

I've just sent my fourth of five children off to college. Sure it has been hard with all of them for different reasons. The first one is SO hard because you've never done it before. But each kid is tied to your heart in different ways so you miss them all but worry and pray for each of them differently.

This year I sent off my first daughter. It is OH so different. I don't think she will ever know the depth of my yearning for her to be the woman I pray for her to be. And simultaneously, how much I pray that God will fill in the gaps of all the things I failed to model for her rightly.

Some friends and I have discussed recently how when we were freshmen in high school we were terrified of the seniors and thought they were so old and mature. Then, when the day came for us to be seniors we wondered why we didn't feel old OR mature.

I think that is something that never changes. For me anyway.

This afternoon I had to make a phone call about helping with a funeral at church. It sent me back in time to when I was a child and listened throughout the day to my mom making phone calls for things like that. For her it was her only means of communication. She didn't have email, facebook or cell phones to "discuss" things with her friends or shop online, etc. But I thought she was the epitome of womanly maturity.

But maybe, just maybe, she felt like I do.

In many instances in life I go through the motions of maturity while all the time deep inside I feel so insecure and inexperienced. I remember once dragging my four older kids with me to pick up my husband at the airport. Before I left it flashed into my mind "you're too young to be running around the city with four little kids". And yet I was the MOM of those four little kids. Good thing they didn't know how insecure and unprepared I was for so much of what I did while raising them.

There is a seventh grader left at home with me. She has come so far in the past ten years. Sometimes I can't believe she is the same child we brought all the way across the world and to whom we taught the English language at age 3. At the same time I feel very unprepared and ill equipped to train her and help her through the next 6 school years of her life.

Wasn't I JUST in seventh grade myself?????

Dancing

2011-08-19T07:19:00.000-06:00

In my "growing up home" we didn't dance. It was a tradition thing that came from the upbringing that my parents had. It didn't really matter to me. I embraced my parents' values from an early age.

But it made the idea of dancing very uncomfortable to me. Let me tell you, those sessions of dancing in the dark to The Osmonds or the Jackson 5 in my cousins' bedroom when we played together were very guilt inducing for me! I SO didn't want to disappoint my dad.

I've never been comfortable dancing in front of people and I don't even know HOW to dance with my husband if we are put in that situation.

But in my house, I have danced with my kids always. In the kitchen we have some great dance parties with the music loud. There can be JOY in dancing before God over His greatness.

My husband works from home quite often which basically consists of him making phone calls to set up appointments. He likes to listen to the 70s channel on our XM radio while he works. I don't mind it for a while but I like a more varied repertoire.

The other day I heard a song and it stuck in my head for a while. The next day it kept nagging at me and I felt like it was GOD speaking to me. How could a song from the 70s channel speak to me????? From God???????

But I promise you it was Jesus calling me with these words:

Dance with me

I want to be your partner

Can't you see--the music is just starting

Night is falling and I am calling

Dance with me.

Fantasy could never be so giving

I feel free, I hope that you are willing

Pick the beat up and kick your feet up and

Dance with me.

Let it lift you off the ground

Starry eyes and love is all around

I can take you where you want to go.

Dance with me

I want to be your partner

Can't you see--the music is just starting

Night is falling and I am calling

Dance with me.

(Written by Bobby Avila Jr., Louis Brown, Scott Parker, Issiah Avila)

I am so thankful for a personal God who calls us to His heart with whatever means it takes for us to hear Him!

Transformation

2011-08-17T09:05:00.001-06:00

From this

to

This

is what we've been working on this summer.

Here's a few more views:

The Final Birth Story

2011-08-05T10:29:00.000-06:00

Sign made by daddy and brothers from leftover Bible school prop.

Not sure if anyone really likes to read these, but this will be my final "birth story". Number 5 in blogging and number 3 in real life.

It happened 22 years ago but I remember it so well. It was what I consider my only "normal" birthing experience.

First of all, I had never planned on conceiving another child when the youngest one we had was less than a year old. Honestly, I was embarrassed when I went to the doctor to find out for sure. He scolded me and told me that having a baby was always something to be celebrated. What a great baby doctor I had! So thankful!

So it took me a while to get used to the idea of having another baby. Probably until about February when I got a really bad bout of the influenza. Then I worried that I might lose the baby and then I could not imagine life without him.

Fast forward to the summer of 1989................hot, dry, drought, epic hot. A really fun time to be carrying an active little baby. We did a lot of walking in the early evenings to get out of the house and tire out the little ones that I already had bouncing around my house.

Due date was July 29. My family came to visit just prior to that in order to be present and meet the new little person. My sister sat and watched my little guy moving around inside me one night and declared that she would NEVER have children. (She has since had 3, so, things change.)

My dad and my sister had to leave before the baby came because she had to get back to her summer job and the baby was late. The day after they left became the day of birth...............................

It was Sunday morning and I woke up with a sense of heaviness. I decided that there was NO WAY I would be able to wear pantyhose that day to church. So I put on my favorite pink maternity dress (I loved that dress. And I remember that I was hoping it would be a "good luck" charm for having a girl) and went to church. I don't remember anything about the church service that morning except that I was extremely uncomfortable and trying to corral my two young boys through the whole thing.

Grandma and "big" brother meeting.

We got home and ate some lunch which included some homemade pickles that my mom had brought along with her. I was wary of eating them since I had felt "funny" all day but I ate them anyway! Not long after lunch I started having some serious contractions. I talked to my sister in law on the phone until I felt that it was probably time to go to the hospital.

Mid afternoon we made the 15 mile trek over to our hospital. As far as I remember we did not even have a girl's name truly picked out. This would be Zachary if our child was a boy. My kids had a little story book about two kids in a park and one had the name Zachary with an 'h' and an 'a'. I liked that and in my mind I had decided on it long ago.

Snoozing with biggest brother.

We got to the hospital and got all set up in the brand new hospital building. It was fun to be using it in the first couple months after it had opened.

My labor was SO EASY compared to the first two. It was, in fact, probably a normal birthing experience. It hurt to have contractions but I could deal with it and I even remember laughing and joking in between. I remember thinking if this was how it was supposed to be I could have 10 kids. I'm sure that my husband is thankful for those other difficult births!

First birthday with dad and brothers.

It was 4H fair week in our little town and the big parade was that night. My doctor always rode a wagon pulled by his horses in local parades. So at some point he excused himself and went to be in the parade. He assured me that he would be just a phone call away. What he didn't tell me was that his son and daughter-in-law who were friends of ours were driving in and out of alleyways to switch places with him should he have to head over to the hospital to deliver me.

2nd birthday

Much quicker than I thought I was ready to have that baby. I kind of panicked wondering if Doc B would make it. He swooped in just in the nick of time and delivered the most beautiful, chubby, baby boy who was sucking his thumb immediately.

Yeah, we used this one for graduation!

Making some mischief while still the baby of the family.

Joy! That is what I remember feeling. And that could well describe the life that we have had with our number 3 son. He slept all day, he slept all night. I thought something was seriously wrong with him at first. But he was such a happy, delightful baby and has always been a fun, adventurous kid to raise.

Look what I can do.

"Enjoying" his big brothers' concert.

Fun to have a brother so close in age. Lots of mischief together.

Joy!

Adventure!

Birthday cheesecake!

Stinker! Switched musical instruments with his friend for the parade.

Since he was born at the end of July, Zachary David has spent many a birthday at amusement parks, white water rafting or just in a fun place on our vacations. This year I didn't even get to see him on his birthday but I know he was with people he loves.

Growing up.

Happy 22nd Birthday Zach! And thank you for showing me that sometimes the unexpected surprises of life can bring such amazing joy!

With his girlfriend, Kacie.

Seven Year Itch

2011-07-25T07:56:00.000-06:00

I thought I needed a new Bible. Not a different one from another faith or something like that, but a new version. You know, spice it up a bit. After all, as a typical American Christian we have a house full of different versions of the Bible while there are people in the world who would sell their right kidney for ONE. But I had something like the seven year itch for a new version of Scripture.

Anyway, I was perusing the book store looking for a "new" version or a new "take" on God's Word. You know, there are things like the Seeker's Bible and Bibles for moms or dads or teens or children or people who are just getting off drugs who struggle with their self esteem type Bibles. (I'm not making fun of those issues, I just am amazed at the number of Bible "types" out there.)

But I didn't find one. Because I didn't NEED a new "take" on the Bible. I needed to just READ it differently. I was kind of adrift on the sea of devotions and needed some direction.

And then I bought the book I needed. It is a little devotional book that I had been hearing about on the Christian radio station.

It has given me direction in reading God's Word. Because I didn't need a new Word or a different take on God's Words to me. I just needed a direction to go in it.

Does anyone else ever feel that way? I hope so because I have been feeling like a really bad Child of His and like I forgot how to listen to Him.

So I highly recommend (not getting paid or asked to do this) that you get Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It feels like Jesus speaking directly to your heart.

And don't we all need that?

Bee Business

2011-07-20T08:07:00.000-06:00

This is what I spend my mornings gazing at:

Plants, plants, and more plants. But I'm enjoying it. I've been getting up SUPER early (before the sun rises) to water so I can enjoy being out without slapping on sunscreen, long sleeved shirt, hat, and gloves. I'm getting into the groove and that's a good thing since school will be starting before we know it.

And since I'm out there with all those plants I get to see a LOT of bees. BUSY bees.

When I was a kid I was so scared of bees thinking that they were only out to sting ME. Little did I know that they are far too busy to worry about eating my skin. They have so much work to do.

One of the true joys of having a large landscape has been the birds, bees, and butterflies that are attracted to all of those flowers. They truly have their life's work living in my yard.

They never seem to notice me either. Unless I get in their way or water while they are working and disrupt their bee business.

I saw my first cicada shell on a tree down this path. 22 years ago that was a huge thing around my house. I had a boy collecting them by the buckets full. We would walk around the neighborhood (we lived in town then) so I could move my pregnant belly a little while wearing out the 19 month old and the 4 year old before bath and bedtime. As I recall we had quite a collection since we continued the walking after we had another little guy to strap on and walk around with in the hood.

Coleus are fun because they grow so well and they take no care but watering.

We're not mowing our yard for while since it is so hot and dry. Might as well enjoy the green and not mow it off to see the brown!

Here's my "tomato patch". Many plants in containers. My husband likes to go a little overboard when planting and then I get to take care of them. But I LOVE eating them.

And here are the ones I keep on my patio. Again, too many plants in each container but more to eat.

This is my happy place where I start my day. And just so you know, we love the bees, birds, and butterflies, but, we get rid of the wasps!

A Book About Hell

2011-07-14T12:18:00.000-06:00

For a while now I've been going to blog and moan about the fact that summer is winding down and I have still not read one single book!

But now that is not true. A friend and I were just discussing last Sunday over lunch whether or not we had read any good "stories" lately. You know-- good, wholesome, interesting, possibly romantic, stories.

Shopping at Walmart the other night I happened upon a book I had no knowledge of previously. A book by one of my favorite authors. It was not the subject matter that I thought I would read this summer, but I am so glad that I did.

The book is, Erasing Hell by Francis Chan & Preston Sprinkle (poor man--I fear he has suffered greatly his whole life over his last name).

I really don't know what to say except that I highly recommend this book to everyone.

If you like the easy to read style of Francis Chan you will love this book even though the subject matter is HARD. At the same time, it was a comfort to me to learn some of what Scripture has to say about Hell.

Believers in Jesus, people who think they believe, those who think they don't believe and those who really want to understand the juxtaposition of a loving God and people going to Hell need to read this.

Here is a quote from page 148 that I particularly like:

"Hell is the backdrop that reveals the profound and unbelievable grace of the cross.
It brings to light the enormity of our sin and therefore portrays the undeserved favor of God in full color. Christ freely chose to bear the wrath that I deserve so that I can experience life in the presence of God. How can I keep from singing, crying, and proclaiming His indescribable love?"

Amen.

My Wildlife

2011-07-07T08:50:00.000-06:00

When I was at the hair salon last week my stylist (who is really someone I love to visit as a friend as much as I like to have my hair done) asked me if my dog chewed up toys. I laughed. I'm not sure MY dog has ever even played with a toy, let alone chewed it.

So since my life is so boring this summer that it is mostly not blog-worthy I thought I would show you the "wildlife" at my home.

Not only does my dog NOT chew things, she does one thing pretty much morning, noon, and night:

I know for those who have pets who need to be walked, exercised or otherwise move about throughout the day this is unbelievable. But except for occasionally (some days frequently) going outside to potty, this is what my dog does 24/7.

And I know you've seen my cat in the bird feeder but generally he is not very active during the daylight hours either.

But we do have to cage the frogs and toads because they are just so destructive.

Cannot Live Without

2011-07-01T08:46:00.001-06:00

There is something in my life right now that I have determined to never again live without.

I wish that I had known about this when my boys were little. It would have made a particular Bible school program a lot less itchy for them and less embarassing for me.

Let's just say it has become my best friend the past week or so.

What You've Been Missing

2011-06-25T08:07:00.000-06:00

I'm sure that the whole world of blogging has been in mourning since I have not been writing much lately. You see, I didn't really think you would want to know things like I need to cut my fingernails every couple weeks because they grow so fast and long nails drive me crazy.

That's pretty much the fun and intriguing topics that could have been covered by me.

My computer was being finicky and wouldn't upload my pictures and for that I just said "forget it."

So here are a few pictures of things you have missed by me NOT blogging.

This is what my boys left me to clean up after they moved.

That's a lot of clothes.

Old chair we painted. This one is in my bedroom.

Remember me talking about our water issue? Well, here is the result of water in your basement.

And this.

And this just makes me happy.

Summer of 11

2011-06-15T09:29:00.000-06:00

So.

I'm having a good summer. It is stranger than any other, to be sure, but so far it is good. This is the first summer in 26 years that NONE of my boys is at home or even living within an hour of me. That is weird.

Right now, my car is in the shop and they are trying to determine how to fix a problem with the front end. My husband is somewhere in our state and possibly going to other states to do what he does. We connect by phone when we can get cell service.

The girls are keeping me busy, but not too busy. I'm growing some tomatoes, cucumbers and watermelon in my backyard and patio. I tend to my flowers and do laundry and clean. Life is good.

Nothing funny, interesting or unique but I'm okay with that. All of the projects here and in Manhattan are on hold until the hail stops falling or the floods recede.

So, here I am. If you're bored. Call me.

Getting Older

2011-06-10T10:50:00.000-06:00

You know you're getting older when you need to renew your driver's license and you just don't care what your picture looks like anymore.

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO I got a yellow card in the mail that said in order to renew my license I should bring the card and trade it for a new license. No test, no problem.

Well, I've been putting it off all this time. Now tomorrow is my birthday and the old license will expire so today was THE DAY.

I had been wanting to go on a day when I could wash and fix my hair nice and not look like I had just slid into the seat in front of the camera and smiled. But that didn't happen.

This morning I decided to just go get it done. You see you can do that here.

I was a little worried when I pulled up to the office and there were a lot of cars out front. But there was only one guy in there getting a license and I saw my neighbor walk in before me. He decided he could wait until later because all he had to do was ask a question, so he left. A young man I knew was ahead of me and it took about 4 minutes for him to get his renewal and then it was my turn.

The gal working today asked me how my family was and didn't I have a kid around 22 years old? I said, why, yes I guess I do (his birthday is at the end of July). She reminded me that we were pregnant together all those years ago and what a hot, dry summer it had been. We had a great chat while she snapped my picture (UGH) and I answered the 7 questions of yes or no to things like, 'have I ever lost my license' and 'am I
a U.S. citizen'.

I had her add a few pounds to my weight since I have never changed it since I was 16 and I think most people would realize that my 18 year old daughter and I do NOT weigh the same amount! Then after a pleasant conversation for a few minutes with "Ann" I left and came home.

I LOVE living in small town America!!!!!!!!

SIGH

2011-06-08T07:52:00.001-06:00

I really need to be outside watering my poor plants in this heat. But here I am whining about my life.

Well, that's what I want to do anyway. So I'm guessing that no one will be reading this.

Just like everywhere else, it is HOT HOT HOT in Kansas. I can't complain because I have air conditioning and my husband lets me use it. There are plenty of other issues to complain about so here I go.

We had another water problem the other night. My hubby was up until 3AM trying to find the source of it (I was completely unaware that we had a problem since I had been sleeping since 10:30). The next day we had the plumbers come out who had re-done our entire house's plumbing (yes, that's right) a year ago. They found that it was not a plumbing issue but an issue of a drainpipe that had slipped out of place and poured all that rain we got last time we got rain into our youngest sons's closet in the basement. We now have mold, rotted carpet and some very smelly air in there.

Oh, and my house which was finally staying clean and organized has now been littered with all of the stuff our sons left behind when they both recently moved. Along with all of the stuff that was in that aforementioned closet. Those things are now living on the pool table and various other locations in our basement.

I have pictures of all of the above mentioned items but my computer for some reason will not let me import them.

Hopefully, you are having a much better week than me.

Feeling Under The Knife

2011-05-24T19:22:00.000-06:00

This morning I let someone cut me open. Again. CAUTION: YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ THIS IF YOU ARE SUPER SQUEAMISH.

I had surgery on my hand to remove an annoying cyst. I'm doing fine now and am so thankful to my friends and family for their prayers.

It was interesting, though.

Normally, when I've had surgery I have been put under (except for one other time). So it is always interesting to have surgery done while you are awake and aware. Of course they put up a drape so I couldn't watch if I had wanted to but the point is that you are still AWARE of what they are doing.

This was the same surgeon who has done 3 other surgeries on me in the past. (Yeah, there was that cancer thing 6 years ago). He is a fine surgeon but I have to say that he is not my favorite person. He's nice enough, I guess. I just think that doctors don't always believe you when you tell them things.

For instance, today. My doc warned me that when he numbed my hand to prep for surgery that it would hurt. Now, I've had, as I said, several surgeries and given birth without epidurals to FOUR children. I don't like IVs but I can usually tolerate them being put in and being pricked with a needle for small procedures at the dermatologist. So in my mind I was thinking, "he doesn't know how tough I am."

So when he said, "Okay, this is where it will hurt", I was NOT prepared for what came next.

It hurt. A lot. And then before it even started to work he started to cut my hand. I said, "Um, that hurts" (because he told me to if it did) and he said, "No, you shouldn't feel it hurting it should just be a tugging feeling." And I said, "Well, I feel the sharpness of the blade and it hurts."

So I got another fun shot!

Within a minute or two he started to put in the stitches. And I knew that because I COULD FEEL THE HOOK SHAPED NEEDLE IN MY HAND!

I shot a look at the wonderful nurse on my side of the drape and said, "I can FEEL that stitching needle." She relayed my message to the doc.

He said, "No, you shouldn't be able to feel that." But I did. And I kept feeling it as he finished but it went pretty quick so I kept my mouth shut.

No pain meds were given and I was actually out of the hospital much earlier than expected since the earlier surgeries were done in record time and mine was done early.

So, now I'm sitting here during another wicked thunderstorm writing about this and, yeah, it hurts a bit, but I'm pretty tough!

Ponderings

2011-05-23T08:59:00.000-06:00

I'm still here.

In case anyone is still around, I'm still alive and I made it through the first week of awesomeness that was my life in May 2011. I have friends that are running 10 miles a day, another preparing for a 5K and here I am just trying to SURVIVE this week before I have to survive the next one.

I really thought that this summer was going to be more relaxing than it appears to be unfolding. That's okay. I just have to wrap my orderly, one thing at a time, check it off mind around it.

Yesterday was the first day for a long time that it was gorgeous weather here and it was so wonderful. I sat out on my patio for a LONG time between watering and doing some weeding in my plants. I had to marvel at the world God has given us. The blues in the sky were varied and vivid. The clouds were puffy,white and majestic. Isn't it cool that God made clouds so that we could SEE them? I mean, they could have been invisible masses of air. But the fact that He made them white and beautiful against a stunning blue is so like Him.

I'm trying not to get caught up in all the busy-ness that wars against the calmness of my soul.

Yesterday I read from Job before going to church. Let's just say it had been a while since I had sat down and read some scripture without it just being a quick read through to fulfill my conscience instead of my soul.

When I realized the daily reading was from Job my heart sank. I didn't want to read the depressing stuff that he went through and try to see what God was saying to me for my life. But God does not disappoint.

"But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought!" Job 19:25-27

I'm Alive!

2011-05-10T06:26:00.000-06:00

Just letting the blog world know that I am alive and cleaning like a mad woman (but I'm not mad, really).

Keep praying for me to make it through the next 2 weeks of my life without losing my mind and body.

Snap Out of It!

2011-05-04T07:47:00.000-06:00

I think that is what I need someone to say to me.

In the next 2 weeks:

My mom is coming to stay with me.

My daughter is graduating from high school.

We're hosting a graduation party for daughter.

My son is graduating from college (on the same day at the same time as daughter)

We're doing SOMETHING to celebrate our son's graduation.

I'm taking my mom to see my oldest son's home 3 hours away and then returning home the next day.

I'll take my mom to the airport.

We're moving the graduating college son to his new apartment also 3 hours away.

I'm having hand surgery to remove a cyst from the palm of my hand.

And here I sit feeling like I don't know what to do first. Does that ever happen to you?

Somebody slap me and say, snap out of it and get to work.

Acts of Worship

2011-04-29T08:53:00.000-06:00

The most fragrant plant in my garden.

There's nothing like turning what the enemy has meant for evil and make it good for God's glory.

This morning I've been worshiping God by pulling weeds. Yes, you read it correctly.

It is finally a warmer day here in our little part of Kansas and I am using it to clean up my garden and glorify God. Normally, when I weed I can get very caught up in cursing the curse. In other words, being mad at the curse for giving me weeds.

But today I feel like I'm reversing that curse a little bit. Obviously, since my blog is titled Music From My Heart music is a huge part of my life. One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me was one of using music to worship God. Everything we did was bathed in music of worship. Our kitchen radio was tuned to WMBI radio station all day long even if no one was actively listening to it. So music of praise to God was beamed into my spirit along with the Word of God being faithfully preached throughout all of my waking hours.

So this morning I plugged in my ipod dock on my front porch and thus turned weeding (the curse) into praise to God. I feel so much better about it!

Wacky Weekend

2011-04-25T07:07:00.000-06:00

From college son who works at a plant store.

To whom it may concern........................

We had a wacky busy weekend at our house.

On Friday Craig and I spent the day with second born son driving to and then around the big city looking for an apartment for the soon-to-be college graduate. It was a mostly gloomy, rainy day but that somehow seems appropriate for Good Friday. The sun came out gloriously around late afternoon in time to celebrate our finding a good place for a nice relatively low price that he can afford.

Beautiful farm on our long drive.

Later that evening we had some family arrive late (after I had gone to bed) to stay for the weekend for a family funeral. Saturday morning was said funeral.

After my kids that were here and I came home from the lunch I got busy with laundry and making a grocery list. We hooked another sister in law and her husband up to our "moving" trailer and sent them on their way back home and then I took off to the Walmart. I know you will believe me when I say that grocery shopping at Walmart the day before Easter is, well, such a joy.

When I got home another son was here, but just for the night. He had to work on Easter. Seriously, who is out buying plants for their garden from 1 to 6 on Easter Sunday????? I guess if you are I feel sorry for you for not having better, more family centered plans.

Then the cooking began. I cooked and did laundry up until I went to bed LATE that night. And not long before I went to bed, son # 3 arrived home with his sweet puppy. Then I fell into bed and retired for the night.

Sunday morning I got up early and made yet more food because there just hadn't been enough time on Saturday.

We went to church and had a glorious wonderful time of worship and heard an incredible sermon as always.

Thankfully, my sister in law and her husband had spent the morning with my mother in law at the nursing home and brought her to our house before we got home. They were able to put the food in the oven that needed to be cooked right before we ate. And because my sis is really great she knew what time she put it in the oven so we didn't have to wait for the timer to finish timing 30 hours! That's why I don't like to use other people's oven timers!!!! She really helped me out. It did make me giggle many hours later after they had gone when I realized that our dinner would be ready in exactly 23 hours.

We ate too much food, enjoyed good conversation and even got outside to eat dessert later. Easter was a beautiful sunny day and not gloomy like they had predicted.

When everyone had left but our family, our landscaper son started working at putting in the plants he had brought me per my request from his place of business.

We enjoyed a lovely evening outside as I watched the guys work and took pictures of the cute puppy.

Watching others work.

Samson is helping.

Looking cute.

Posing.

The end of a busy day.

Hope you had a great Easter too!

Books!

2011-04-19T10:04:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite bloggers did this the other day and gave me this idea. And since if it weren't for the internet no one would know whether I was dead or alive, I thought I would blog about books.

I went around my house and photographed my books. Granted I am missing several that I have loaned to people but that it part of the joy of owning books. My husband thinks that buying books is a big waste of money. I disagree. It is an investment into my life and into the growth of who I am. It is a way to reach out to others and share in their sorrow or joys by sharing a wonderful book. It is a way of learning and I LOVE to learn about people.

So here are a few of my bookshelves scattered around my house.

Some Bibles and other good stuff.

Bonhoeffer. Everyone should read about him. The Twelvth Imam. Amazingly good book of fiction.

A mix of fiction and just good writing.

Our mini collection of Dear America books. My son loved them and I still love to read them.

What a mix! My daughter calls my Amish fiction books Bonnet Books.

The Book of Virtues was a favorite of my boys when they were young.

Not the popular Twilight. This one is by Kristen Heitzman and NOT about vampires.

I won the thesaurus in high school and the clerical book was a textbook.

I did NOT like the book Green.

The books I am reading now or just have read. Along with a favorite movie!

What are you reading?

Here Birdy, Birdy

2011-04-13T06:17:00.001-06:00

The Beauty of Kansas in Spring

2011-04-12T07:10:00.000-06:00

Most people who look at this blog of mine will see this post and say "I know all of those views". But for the benefit of the 2 or 3 people who read this that are NOT my friends here in Kansas, I wanted to share the beauty of our little spot of Kansas in Spring.

We drove down to the town where our 2 younger sons go to college (home of our beloved Wildcats) on Sunday afternoon to have dinner together with them.

It is that time of year when the trees remind me of 12 year old boys with peach fuzz as the leaves are just peeking out. So, without further adieu, I give you, KANSAS!

I wanted to show that it is hilly and not flat here. Not sure this is a good example.

The look of freshly burned and renewed grass--love it!

Again, gently rolling hills, called The Flint Hills.

We stopped so I could take this.

Looking at those cattle on the hills through the barbed wire.

Had to slow down for a while as we followed this guy.

One of my favorite views!

Almost there and loving the new wheat coming up. So green!

My favorite little house nestled into a valley inside a curve. Zoomed in and took this at 65 mph through the car window.

Can You Hear It?

2011-04-08T07:02:00.002-06:00

It will happen. In fact, it has happened three times in my life already. It is needed. Yet, it is so painful.

The tearing away of a child from its mother's heart is a hideous, raw, wrenching sound.

Oh, they are not torn from our hearts from our side of the equation. No, they do the tearing themselves. It is only right and good that they do so. But it hurts like nothing else in life. For us.

When they are little, we long for moments of time when we can experience peace and quiet away from them to re-energize ourselves for the reunion with them seemingly minutes later. But how can we know? How can we have an inkling of the future and what it will bring as they go through the parent-worship of childhood, the gawkiness and snarkiness of the tween years, the angst of teen-agery.

And quite suddenly, they are young adults realizing their potential in the future world and the sweetness of independence from those who have shaped their lives thus far. The lure of what lies ahead is a power so strong that what lies behind seems cumbersome and annoying. The cocoon of childhood must be sloughed off and left behind in order to find the wings of adulthood looming ahead.

I remember. I'm quite sure that I, too, was clueless of what the perforation of parent and child did to my dear folks.

Now I am on the other side. You know sometimes when you tear away a perforation it doesn't go neatly. Sometimes, there are jagged cuts into the body of substance from which the sheet is being torn away. But usually we are able to correct the tear and make a clean break at the end.

So much like life.

I am there now. We are almost ready for the clean break. With every little disconnect of paper and notebook I am feeling undone. But it will be good. It will be okay. And I pray that one day all of my sheets of paper will fly to the places I dreamed they would go and the lifting off will all be worth it.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me such a thick book that has so greatly enriched my life!

Bittersweet

2011-04-05T10:43:00.001-06:00

There has to be something ironic about the fact that my daughter came home yesterday and plopped her graduation announcements down on my desk juxtaposed under my tassel.

In Whom He Delights

2011-04-03T09:15:00.000-06:00

It is Sunday morning. A beautiful day here in Kansas. Sunshine, warmth, the obligatory wind and it is a great spring day. It would be a great day to be at church hearing the Word and fellowshipping with friends. But I am at home. Still sick.

So I'm soaking in the time of pure aloneness that is a Sunday morning when the rest of the family is at church. I'm going to watch my church's live streaming of today's service later. I've been reading in Proverbs (still) and I'm going to share what has jumped out at me.

"My child, don't ignore it when the LORD disciplines you, and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights."

I was so blessed to have a father who delighted in his children. My dad treasured us and was quick to let us know how special we were to his life. When I read those words "in whom he delights" I immediately identified with how God the Father relates to us. Whenever my dad disciplined me he did it in love and with humility of spirit. He did not lord it over us that he was the dad and his word was law. His heart was moved to grief over our sins and though he followed through on his discipline it grieved him because he loved us and delighted in us.

Because of the way my dad was when I was disciplined by him I was sorrowful that I had caused him pain because I loved him so dearly. And I loved him so dearly because I was so dearly loved.

Of course I am drawing the comparisons between my dad and God the Father in my life. And even if your dad did not delight in you there is good news. God the Father does delight in you even when He is disciplining you.

But more than anything it is blessing my heart today to remember that my daddy delighted in me and showed me how to fall in love with Jesus.

Be Amazed

Over the Edge

2011-04-01T05:37:00.000-06:00

I could blog about being sick all week but really, who wants to hear about that? I was just perusing my usual morning news sites and this ad popped up at me.

Really? Now even my favorite diet soft drink is mocking me by making a "skinny" can?

Maybe I'm just delirious from constant sleep and a week's worth of the dayquil/ (well, equate) nyquil cycle that has been my steady diet all week. Or maybe it is the fact that my ears feel like they are full of hives and I can't hear quite right. Or perhaps it is because my throat is so sore that when I talk it hurts even though the sound level could not even be heard by dolphins?

But today I did NOT need to see that Pepsi, my beloved diet drink is now producing the "skinny" can. As if we didn't have enough skinny pictures in the media constantly mocking us fatties.

Thank goodness it is Friday. AND it is April. Which HAS to mean that the sun will shine between those April showers bringing us our May flowers, right?

Here's hoping you're having a better Friday than I am!

What Do You Think?

2011-03-29T12:28:00.001-06:00

Here they are:

Your thoughts?

Because You Care So Much

2011-03-28T19:13:00.000-06:00

Today I bought new rods for my drapes for the dining room. So as soon as I can get them up (when my husband can do it) I will take a picture.

I know everyone in blogland is waiting on pins and needles to see them!

My Husband Has Serious Skills

2011-03-25T12:47:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I'm going to reveal the "project" that we've been working on the past week or so. The problem is, it is not completely finished. But I need advice.

I've wanted to do something to the lower portion of my dining room walls for a long time. We actually painted our whole house the color of the background of my dining room wallpaper all those years ago. I still love my wallpaper but in recent years I have been embracing more color in the rest of my house. Plus, it is very hard to keep the off white colored walls "clean" with a St. Bernard in the house.

So while my hubby was at school a couple weeks ago I went for it and painted the color that I wanted below the wallpaper.

And it was good. But I didn't want to stop there.

I've always loved the look of wainscoting in dining rooms. But I certainly didn't want to PAY to have any made or anything like that. So I researched do it yourself stuff online and found a great way to do it myself. Or, I should say, have my husband do it!

So when I introduced the idea very haltingly, he went for it. I couldn't believe it. Truthfully, I thought it would be far less labor intensive than it was but I'm thankful that he was willing.

So we started with a room that looked like this. It had red curtains which I moved to my son's room upstairs after cleaning them.

Let's just say, a LOT of painting and cutting of MDF was done in the first few days. MDF is really cheap. We used 2 sheets and had just about no waste.

We removed the floor trim. Added a wide molding made from the MDF and a rail on the top side.

Already a huge change in how it looks!

Then we added molding on top made of simple pieces of smaller MDF that looked like this:

Then the stiles were added. Most of them were simple strips of wider pieces of MDF but around the windows they had to be cut out very carefully.

Not the window but that photo would not upload!

Next, we decided to add a molding up near the ceiling to hide the fact that I had had to order the wallpaper before we even built the house and took the measurements from the house plans. We had just enough wallpaper but when our cousin put it up he had to do what he could with what we had! So now it looks more finished. Of course that meant more painting!

And cutting!

Now I am thrilled that it is done for all intents and purposes. We need to do some caulking and touch up painting but it looks great!

Only problem I am having is this: the paint seems to be a bit lighter than what I had picked out (even though there is about 3 coats on everything!). I used the color swatch to pick out new curtains at Target and then I sent for the ones I wanted in the correct length. Now they seem too dark when what I wanted was a look that was kind of seamless color from up high to down low. Will that make a difference????

In this picture they do not look any different in color but in person they do.

What do you think???????

Give Me A Break

2011-03-21T07:42:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day of our spring break. Which means many things.
It means that I slept in a little too long and now I feel so far behind in my usual chores. It also means that somehow we will have "nothing to eat" that is "decent" in our house. We are out of pop, snacks, and anything that can be eaten for lunch.

Am I the only mom who truly loves the fact that school's have a lunch program?

It also means that the little project that I've been wanting to blog about for a while now is still not going to get done because our important tools are not here. (We loaned them to our oldest son and he is 3 hours away) And also because my husband does have to actually go to work even though the rest of us are "on break".

So I best get my lazy self up out of this chair and start doing laundry and think about going to the store so that we all won't starve while we are "so bored" this week.

Walking On Sunshine

2011-03-17T08:43:00.000-06:00

Not quite here yet, but soon.

Today is a great weather day despite the wind here in rural Kansas. It is a day that I could accomplish much and have motivation too.

I have a few projects that are just waiting for me to complete them. But I'm not sure if I will get to them.

I could sew. I could paint. I could garden.

Hmmm. That all sounds like work. And I'm still not feeling that well.

So I guess I'll just enjoy the day and see what come my way.

What are you working on today?????

Twelve

2011-03-14T08:28:00.000-06:00

Can I just say that being the obsessive compulsive person that I can sometimes be, I am thrilled to now have an even number of followers.

Making Bacon

2011-03-11T12:43:00.001-06:00

It seems trite to be writing about bacon with everything else going on in the world but it is what I had planned to blog today.

I love bacon. But I used to hate to make it. It takes so long to hover over it, it stinks up the whole house and it makes such a mess! Not too long ago I found out an easy way to make it that is so simple and it means I make it more often.

The first thing you have to know is that you make it in the oven. But the most important thing is that YOU DO NOT TURN ON YOUR OVEN OR PREHEAT IT IN ANY WAY!

First you put it on a foil covered pan. I use a jelly roll pan.

Now, put it into a COLD oven. Set the temperature to 400 degrees and set the timer for 30 minutes.

Now forget about it for 30 minutes.

When it is done (your oven may be a little different and you may like it done or not done more or less than me---you work out your own bacon issues) take it out.

It will keep cooking a bit after taking it out and you don't want to let it sit in the grease so put it on some paper towels.

Yum!

Now clean up is super easy. Just let the grease "gel" a bit.

Then roll up the foil........

And throw it alway in a neat little package!

And here is the clean pan when you are done!

Mine is kind of old and stained but it IS clean.

5 Inches

2011-03-08T10:09:00.001-06:00

Living room curtains

Recently I got to do something that I've been wanting to do for a long time.

We built our house in 1996-97, moving in towards the end of May. My "style" has morphed over time but I like to just move things around when I can. It helps that most of my main floor living space has interchangeable colors that compliment each other.

I've had these curtains in my living room for a long time. But they were hung too low. When you're building a house you make compromises with each other and let's just say that I didn't make that many when compared to my husband. He made some choices that I still wish were different but for the most part he deferred to me.

We tried to save as much money as possible doing a LOT ourselves when we built. Craig was at the house EVERY DAY during the winter overseeing the work by the builders and helping with everything (he was farming then). It saved us THOUSANDS of dollars in the end. For that I am so thankful because we have the house that we love and we paid for it as we went along.

At the time of our initial decorating we "made" our own curtain rods. My husband is famous for looking at something I like and saying 'I can make that a lot cheaper'. And sometimes he does.

Sometimes I just say, 'yeah, but you won't ever get it done' because it is true and we just buy the thing. But in this instance he did it. He took wooden closet poles, cut them to length, stained them to match our woodwork and put fancy wood finials on the ends. Then he hung them so that his favorite feature of our woodwork would show--those little plinth blocks that are on the corners of all of our windows.

And for all these years those have worked great. But in truth my curtains had to be folded over to "fit" to the length I wanted and even then they were too long. I've been cleaning up dog hair that pools around the bottom of those things for years.

So last week I took them down, washed them, hung them out to dry, ironed them and we put up new rods 5 inches higher.

And I feel so much better!

Ahhhhh. Just right.

Words To Live By

2011-03-04T09:47:00.000-06:00

I defaulted to the "read a chapter of Proverbs a day because there are 31 chapters" today since I was kind of going no where in my Bible reading. And it was good.

Proverbs 4

My children, listen to me. Listen to your father's instruction. Pay attention and grow wise, for I am giving you good guidance. Don't turn away from my teaching. For I , too, was once my father's son, tenderly loved by my mother as an only child.

My father told me, "Take my words to heart. Follow my instructions and you will live. Learn to be wise, and develop good judgment. Don't forget or turn away from my words. Don't turn your back on wisdom, for she will protect you. Love her, and she will guard you. Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do! And whatever else you do, get good judgment. If you prize wisdom, she will exalt you. Embrace her and she will honor you. She will present you with a beautiful crown."

My child, listen to me and do as I say, and you will have a long, good life. I will teach you wisdom's ways and lead you in straight paths. If you live a life guided by wisdom, you won't limp or stumble as you run. Carry out my instructions; don't forsake them. Guard them, for they will lead you to a fulfilled life.

Do not do as the wicked do or follow the path of evildoers. Avoid their haunts. Turn away and go somewhere else, for evil people cannot sleep until they have done their evil deed for the day. They cannot rest unless they have caused someone to stumble. They eat wickedness and drink violence!

The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like complete darkness. Those who follow it have no idea what they are stumbling over.

Pay attention, my child, to what I say. Listen carefully. Don't lose sight of my words. Let them penetrate deep within your heart, for they bring life and radiant health to anyone who discovers their meaning.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.

Avoid all perverse talk; stay far from corrupt speech.

Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path and stay safe. Don't get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.

(New Living Translation)

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

2011-03-03T07:17:00.000-06:00

My older daughter is sick. So last night it was just the 13 year old and I driving home from youth group and worship band practice. I'm SO not ready for these conversations with this child.

"There was a boy who is 13 and in 7th grade who talked to me a lot tonight."

"He asked me a lot of questions like 'why do you wear hearing aids'."

"He asked if I want to go out with him. What is 'go out with him'?"

"I told him NO."

"But he was kind of cute."

"He wanted my cell phone number."

"How come I can't get a cell phone until I'm 16?"

"How old will I have to be to be able to drive:"

And in the midst of this I said to her "Hmmm. What was his name?"

Her reply, " I don't know who he is."

KIDS!

Moms Who Wrestle

2011-02-28T07:41:00.000-06:00

When I was younger and living at home there were times that my mom would say to me, "I just couldn't sleep last night with so much in my mind." I. Did. Not. Get. It.

Sleep is my dear friend. Always has been. Even as a very young child my mom tells me that I went to bed before it got dark and got up late in the morning, therefore, not needing an afternoon nap.

And though I hate to always be bringing it up: fibromyalgia=bad sleep. Which in turn = pain and fatigue throughout the day. I needed to show that "equation" to point out my intense love of and sad lacking of good, deep, sleep.

So, last night my hubby was gone overnight and usually that means I get to go to bed really early and have really good sleep (ie. no late night TV watching, snoring or hogging the whole bed by you know who).

But when you are a mom of "older" children and adult children there is something that happens to you when your greatest desire is to get really great sleep. You think. You think about all of the things each of your "children" are dealing with and ergo how you should deal with it or not and it makes for a very restless night. It is kind of like an all night wrestling match.

I try to turn those kind of nights into praying for my kids but often I fail to pray the prayer and let it go. It turns into another kind of wrestling match with God over what I should "do" about what I'm praying about.

Last night was one of those nights.

Tell me, are you on the wrestling team with me?

Springtime For My Soul

2011-02-23T10:06:00.000-06:00

I started writing poetry when I was a small child. Admittedly, I haven't written anything new for a long time. And I've always hesitated to share any on my blog because of protecting my original works (that sounds like I think they are really something. But in fact all they really are are MINE.)

I wrote the following free verse poem in 1985 but I have to say that, sadly, it applies to my life right now, even still, in this moment of time. Funny how "feelings" come and go over the years. I'm thankful that God, however, remains the same.

Sheathed beneath a layer of snow

The earth lies frozen,

dead,

unproductive.

Almost hiding, below a beautiful cover

Hiding its coldness

Veiling the inability to bear fruit.

Jesus, I am like winter earth

at times

My heart giving itself over

to "seasons".

I am cold,

insensitive,

lifeless.

How I need the fresh rush

of warmth from Your Spirit

To bring back to life

The parts of my heart

That have succumbed to winter.

Set me free from the layers

of self-righteous ice

Veiling me from You

And let me again know

The fruitfulness of springtime

In my heart.

linda polson 1985

The First One

2011-02-19T07:03:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting here contemplating this day and I am overwhelmed with memories. 26 years worth.

All of my life since I was a very young child I dreamed of pretty much one life for myself--being a mom. I was the little girl who always had a baby doll (got my last one in 6th grade and still have it) or was begging to hold someone's real life baby.

I got married when I was 20 which is VERY young now. But I had traveled all across the United States and Canada with a quick dip into Mexico as a 19 year old (as part of a traveling ministry team) and thought I was very sophisticated and mature. It was during that year that I met my future husband who lived in Kansas. So I happily left everyone and everything I had ever known to get married and went to live in Kansas at age 20.

About six months into our marriage I was feeling very alone with a husband who worked more than I could have imagined and my family 540 miles away. I had been babysitting for a neighbor's little girl and she was such a delight to have around. So we decided to have a baby. I am so glad that we did!

Fast forward to February 1985. My "due date" was February 13th. It just so happened that that date fell on the weekend that my husband was scheduled for his monthly Navy Reserves duty. Of course.

January 1985 with my niece Jessica

So he was gone that weekend. I was very anxious to have my baby although I was really scared of what childbirth might be like. There I was, home alone, stoking the wood stove with logs as I lumbered around myself with my cumbersome pregnant form. Fortunately, our baby didn't come that weekend even though, if I remember correctly, my sister-in-law, who at that time lived down the road from us, asked me to go for a "drive" with her over the areas railroad tracks. We did and it was fun. But no baby.

The next Sunday afternoon, February 17th, we were watching TV and eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi. Suddenly, I started to feel "funny". Before long I was having contractions and when I went to bed that night they were coming around 20 minutes apart. I was so excited. My baby was going to be born on an even numbered day!

Monday rolled around and was a gorgeous day. It was so warm outside you barely needed a light jacket! My contractions had continued through the night and into Monday so by Monday afternoon we went to the hospital so very casually thinking that our precious baby would be born before long. We "checked in" and the real fun started.

At that time our local hospital was very old. My husband had been born there along with thousands of other people over many years. They had what they boasted to be their "new" birthing room which was just the labor and delivery room with a new "birthing bed" in it. It was first come, first serve. If you got there and someone else was using it, you were out of luck and had to give birth the old fashioned way in a room on a hard table, I guess.

We were lucky and no one else was there so we felt like winners.

It was hard work and kind of painful but I could handle it. Then about midnight with the prospect of TUESDAY morning looming and still no baby I was feeling exhausted and distraught. Let's just say that things were not happening that should have been happening.

So they introduced me to a little something called pitocin. And a little over 5 hours later, on Tuesday, February 19th, our first born son was born. And the joy of a lifetime began.

Hours old.

Winter fun.

The boy who loved to farm everything.

Ready for preschool.

The young man I'm so proud to call my son.

Happy Birthday, Nathan! You've given us so much joy!

Project List--Check

2011-02-18T08:18:00.001-06:00

Our little family here at home had a BIG day last Saturday. And I've been trying to recover all week. That's the way it is with fibromyachingbodyfulloffatiguealgia.

But I got a shot of energy yesterday when the weather was nice and was able to check the last thing off of the project list that has been hanging in my little "office" for probably over a year. Of course I've done much more than just the things on the list but I'm a person who likes to see my accomplishments completed on a list.

Now I have to confess that I did hand off one of these projects to someone else. My wonderful sister-in-law, Susan, is repairing my first quilt for me since she has the skills to do it. She does not probably have the time but she graciously said she would take care of it and have it quilted by one of her "go to" people who does quilting.

And my husband helped me with some of the more mechanical parts of the dresser repairs.

But I still feel a great sense of accomplishment in reaching some goals in my life. And THAT is a great feeling!

What projects are you working on at your house?

Happy Valentine's Day, Eat Some Cookies

2011-02-14T09:06:00.001-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day! We've just been through a really crazy busy weekend so it really FEELS like a holiday today.

My beloved Grandma Mickelson died right around my 4th birthday, but I remember her. She was really the only Grandma I ever had so her memory is precious. One of the few memories I have of her is that she made incredible sugar cookies. I have a faint memory of being at her little house in Lisbon and her handing me a cookie. The stronger memory is that it was really delicious.

As I've stated before I was never the mom who baked a lot of cookies when my kids were little. And truthfully, I didn't need to be because my awesome next door neighbor Elaine kept us well supplied with delicious baked goods for 10 years.

But now I'm rediscovering the joy of making treats for my family. (And besides, Elaine and I haven't been neighbors for YEARS). Last year I was looking for a good sugar cookie recipe. It needed to remind me of my sweet Grandma's cookies. My friend Lisa gave this recipe to me and it has our whole family in love with them.

So I'm sharing the recipe with my "readers". You can roll them thick or thin. I like them thick and soft and chewy! And I make cream cheese frosting that is really heavy on the cream cheese. Now if that has your gastric juices flowing in a good way, read on to get the recipe.

Lisa Kuenzi's Sugar Cookies

1/2 cup butter flavored Crisco 1/2 tsp salt

1 cup sugar 1/2 tsp soda

1 egg 1/2 cup sour cream

3/4 tsp. fresh lemon juice

2 1/2 cups flour

Mix together and then chill dough. Roll out and cut into cookies. Bake at 400 for 6-8 minutes.

That's it! I never make a single batch. More often I triple it but when I am short for time for rolling I just make a double batch.

Enjoy!

Today I Am A Pioneer Woman

2011-02-08T07:53:00.001-06:00

But not the blogger, even though she is fun to read. Today I am the real thing.

This morning at 5 o'clock in the AM (just to clarify) I awoke from a deep sleep. Immediately, I could smell something not right. It was hot and it was electrical.

"Something's burning." I said to Craig and he agreed. It was a very strong smell of burning metal.

He jumped up and started looking around the house and I got up to see if I could detect where it was coming from. I don't know about you, but in our house, I have the most sensitive nose. It must be a woman thing. Smells just bother me more.

Anyway. It was very quickly determined that it was our lower level furnace making the smell so off it went. The fan motor appeared to be about to burst into flames and the vents in our master bedroom were very hot to the touch. That is not a normal thing here.

So, of course, I went back to bed with the emergency over while my more awake husband built a fire in the fireplace. He has to go "away" to work today so he had to get up anyway. It is usually the other way around here. I get up and get the kids up and he sleeps a little longer since he only "commutes" to the basement now.

The furnace fixers will apparently be calling me sometime this morning to tell me if they can fix it today. And I will be literally keeping the home fires burning all day in order to stay warm.

Good thing I learned early in our marriage how to build and keep a fire to keep warm. We had only a wood stove to heat our trailer house back in the day. That was fortunate for me now that I will BE pioneer woman today.

I guess being a middle aged woman will have the advantage today in more ways than one!

Finished!

2011-02-02T08:51:00.001-06:00

I finished a giant book last night. Thanks to the fact that we have been house bound with weather and I have been getting so much done around the house, I sat and read for a long time.

The book is Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas. And I read all 542 pages!

The end was the best and the worst. If you know anything about Dietrich Bonhoeffer, you know that he was executed by the Nazis. What you might not know is why.

He was not killed for his Christian beliefs, though the Nazis certainly despised Christians. He was killed because he was one of thousands who were conspirators in the attempts on Hitler's life. He worked as part of a German spy organization (much like the CIA) that was unmonitored, so to speak, by the Gestapo (much as the FBI and the CIA are sort of "opposing" organizations). But he worked in THAT organization in order to make connections for his work in the attempt to overthrow Hitler and save Germany from his evil plans. There were thousands of Germans, many of whom were in high military positions, who were part of this plan.

We know about "Valkyrie" because of the movie. That was just one of many attempts to take out Hitler. Well, Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a contemporary of all those who took part in that operation and knew the players well. Ultimately, all of the people who were "conspirators" in any movement against Hitler were executed to assuage Hitler's giant ego. Bonhoeffer was included in this group and sadly was killed just 3 weeks before Hitler committed suicide and the end of the war.

Bonhoeffer was so much more than just a player in a fascinating historical moment. He had a profound affect on the true believers in Germany at a time when the state church lost its soul to the Nazi regime. We would be wise to observe their history and not allow our freedoms to be similarly eroded from us.

It was fascinating to read about this man's incredible intellect, musical ability, pastoral heart, and his infinite bravery. He came from a truly amazingly brilliant family who did much to oppose Nazism. They paid a very dear price for it, not only with his life, but with the lives of many family members.

I am anxious to read more of his writings after gleaning so much from his quotes in this book. The Cost of Discipleship has always interested me but I think it will mean so much more to me now that I know the deep history of the author.

Wordless: Why My Husband Should Not Work From My Dining Room

2011-01-26T10:52:00.000-06:00

The People You'll Meet In Heaven

2011-01-24T08:11:00.000-06:00

I'm in the process of reading a great book, Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy, by Eric Mataxas. It is so very interesting and insightful. Plus it is historical which means that I am loving it. I am not yet half way through it and I've already read about 300 pages.

Yes, it is a lot of information and not something you can read straight through like a novel or an easy read. But I am amazed at the insight of this mere man at such a young age. The thing is, it has left me wanting to know more. This is the kind of man you would want to meet and learn from him the deep lessons and thoughts of his life. In person.

I'm certainly going to seek him out in Heaven and sit down and spend some time talking with him. In this life I would feel inferior to his intelligence and wisdom and would never seek him out if he were available to me. But in Heaven those self-conscious feelings will be gone so I'm looking forward to meeting him and learning from him personally about his life and what he experienced.

So, it got me wondering. Who are the people in history that my friends look forward to meeting in Heaven one day? And not the obvious answers of Jesus, Biblical heroes, or beloved family members who have gone before us. But people you find interesting and whose faith has inspired you in your life.

Who are the people you want to meet in Heaven?

From Russia TO Love

2011-01-21T09:26:00.000-06:00

Baby picture long before we knew her.

Ten years ago this month we were on a journey like no other we had ever taken before. Many months previous to this we had come to a decision that would change our lives forever.

We had four children. Three boys and one precious girl.

My husband had traveled to Russia a couple times both for business and for a couple missions trips with our church. I had been trying to convince my best friend who had three sons that they should adopt a little girl from Russia. I wanted so much for her to experience the joy of having a daughter like I.

On a ski trip with our high school youth in which she and I were along to be cooks, we lay in bed one night. She was sound asleep. I was awake in a prednisone induced insomnia. I felt as though God was saying, "adopt a little girl from Russia". I kind of giggled at the idea that God was talking to me because He NEEDED to talk to my friend. But he was talking to me.

The idea began to grow in my heart since I had always thought I would love to be an adoptive parent since I myself am adopted. Convincing my husband, though, seemed like a more monumental task.

After much prayer and soul searching, I approached the subject with him. Of course, I had jokingly told him before his trips to Russia that year to bring home a little cutie with him. Little did I know how simplistic that request was in contrast to the bureaucratic nightmare that that would have been. He was actually quite open to the idea of adoption and we explored the many details that would be involved in such an endeavor.

When we felt like the green light was given we started doing paperwork with an agency that I had "happened" to read about in two books that I had read that year.

List of documents to be apostilled.

The paperwork for adopting internationally is daunting. But I am a methodical person and I took one paper at a time. Over the next 8- 10 months I filled out paperwork, got apostilles from our secretary of state's office 90 miles away countless times, we got homestudied, had our fingerprints taken by the FBI and every other stinking little detail that needed to be accomplished got accomplished.

In February of 2001 we got an email from our contact person at Bethany Christian Services with some info on the child that had been referred to us in January. It was a forward from our facilitator's secretary. Our contact person, Janie, wrote "Linda here is the little sweetie.....Janie" It gave all the information they had on the child, Anna. It was only about half a page of information. Vital statistics though very little was known. Birthday: January 21, 1998.

After months and months of paperwork and delays we ultimately had to switch agencies in order to work with our facilitator in Russia. Finally, the day had arrived to go meet our new daughter. We went in July instead of February so the coat that was good to 30 below 0 degrees was no longer of use to me. It was HOT in Russia.

We met our little Anna and she was a giggly, smiling, friendly little girl. We fell in love. We only got to spend a little bit of time with her and then we had to say goodbye and we'll be back to get you soon. THAT was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

A month later we returned to Russia to pick up Anna and bring her HOME.

Our flight schedule.

Schedule for the grandparents.

"Take picture packets" Oh, my mom is amazing to do this for me.

Our flight schedule and the kids at home daily schedule look rather overwhelming now but we did it somehow. They even started at a NEW school while we were gone. All of the grandparents were amazing for helping us as well as our best friends.

Coming home with a 3 year old who had never seen an airplane let alone flown was exhausting! She didn't sleep the whole time until right before we landed in Kansas on our last leg. She couldn't speak English and we spoke only a few Russian words essential for eating, sleeping, and toileting.

Having a snack at the market in Russia.

Getting Americanized on the plane ride home.

On a swing in Russia.

The ride from the orphanage to our apartment.

Playing with a Barbie on the long flight.

Dancing in our hotel room in Russia.

Eating an apple in the Paris airport while waiting for our connecting flight home.

So. That is my "baby story" for my youngest child whose 13th birthday is today.

Happy Birthday Anna! Life isn't always easy, but we love you!

Get Ready World

2011-01-20T22:59:00.000-06:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day. The one we've been waiting for all these weeks and months. It is the day I have been dreading and the day that she has been x-ing off the calendar for these past twelve months.

Tomorrow, my youngest child turns 13 and enters that wacky, wonderful world of teen-agery.

Lord, have mercy.

Yesterday we had a huge snowstorm which of course meant that today was a snow day. So I cancelled my hair appointment (which I so desperately need) in the city and stayed home to do what good mothers do: Make birthday treats.

At our school's last book fair Anna made a great choice of a book that shows how to make really fun, really artful, really complicated cupcakes. She talked me into making some for her best friend's birthday a few months ago. They turned out less than stellar although the girls at the party made me feel like it wasn't a complete disaster.

So naturally, Anna has been anticipating that I would make some really awesome cupcakes for her birthday. She has had it in her mind that I would these particular cupcakes that look like poinsettias for a reason I know not. But I think it might have something to do with the fact that they were made with 220 pieces of gum cut out and arranged to look like flowers. I am not kidding. This child LOVES gum.

On Monday as I was trying desperately to figure out an easier type of cakes to make I came across some really cute ones that look like little monsters. I casually suggested that it might be easier to make those than the gum flowers. She went for it and I was thrilled.

This morning as I was baking the cupcakes Anna found a youtube video of the authors of her book actually making the very same cupcakes that I was about to make. So we sat down and watched it together. I was thinking, "that doesn't look so hard" and "I'm glad I saw how they did that".

Then I started to actually MAKE the little monsters. Let's just say that they were not as easy as they looked and in reference to the last sentence in my fourth paragraph above, I am NOT a good mother.

I started by looking at all of the candy that was going into this project. All of you mothers of sixth graders can thank me now.

Next, I got the birthday girl busy putting papers into the cupcake pans.

Putting the cake batter into the pans. Using the ziplock bag method of the authors of this book was a genius idea.

And here's how the little monsters turned out.

From 11 to 18

2011-01-18T21:52:00.000-06:00

When Katrina was 11 we redid her room to be super cool like this:

We carefully taped out all of the stripes. My husband painstakingly help me paint the stripes. And she has enjoyed it for seven years. But for her 18th birthday I decided it was time to paint her room the way SHE wanted it now. We have had the new bedspread and drapes for a couple years now but had never gotten around to painting because UGH that other painting was SO MUCH WORK.

But the drapes were not actually hanging on secure curtain rods but just resting on the old ones. And to be honest, the room was a disaster area. Things had gotten out of control and I just let it be.

Recently Katrina turned 18 and I don't know how that happened so quickly. But she did. And we gave her some new things for her room and promised to paint it. We finally did paint it last week. She and I did that is. She was such a trooper helping me out. It was a lot of work to clean out all of her stuff and then tape and paint everything. But we did it!

And it looks quite sophisticated for a young woman I think.

You've come a long way, baby!