Giving The Steering Wheel To God

I'm a person who likes routine and though you can't always see it by viewing my life, I like organization and structure. While there have been many bumps in the road of my life that have caused me to have to let go of the proverbial steering wheel of my life, I somehow get it back and take control again.

As a kid, the last thing I thought I wanted was to marry a farmer. My dad was a farmer and though I loved my life I thought what I wanted was something else. We used to joke at the dinner table that we would NEVER make our kids sit still while we listened to the markets on the radio. Never say never.

I ended up marrying a farmer and truly I have loved that life. Well, two years ago my husband decided that after all the years of complaining about how hard it was to do everything right and still have the weather screw up your hard work, he was going to get out. After all, he had a college degree and so many other talents and interests. I was all for it. I was thrilled to think about never having to hear about bad markets, bad weather and living with a grumpy guy who hated what he was doing. I certainly was thrilled to think that I would never have to prepare a huge meal and somehow transport it out to the fields while still feeding my kids at home. But deep down it was a bit scary. Would we have any money? After all, not often were people looking for someone in his 50's to employ and besides that we don't exactly live in the most populated area for jobs. My husband assured me that he would have no problem finding something and that it would be something he loved.

But first he would take about a year to get "settled". Now, truthfully, I don't know how he would have had a regular job that year and accomplish everything he did but there were days when I certainly wished he had somewhere to go. During this time he was in the process of selling all of his farming equipment as well as taking care of a lot of his mother's day to day needs. Mom in law was having health problems and needing more and more care to be able to live in her home. Over that year she moved to an assisted living home nearby and that process took a lot of time.

Fastforward to now. After that year of living dangerously my husband began working for an insurance company doing crop adjusting. He loves his new job and of course he excells at it because of it. This past summer he has been away from home traveling with his job more than he has been home. During the summer months it was really not that hard for me to have him away. I was used to him being absent from family life during the busy seasons of farming and also when he travelled a LOT when my kids were little.

But now. Now that school has started up again this is totally messing up my happy little routine. Now I am dealing with homework and behavior with a special needs child truly alone and I am having a little trouble not falling into the abyss of self pity.

Earlier this month I came to realize that I must let go of my expectations of "me" time and other selfish desires I have for myself like reading wonderful books and other personal wants. But let me tell you I came to this kicking and screaming. I went through all kinds of "what ifs" with my life and that is dangerous territory.

This week in particular I am having a tough time. But I'm finding that as I surrender more and more of what think I deserve to do and just let God walk with me through whatever upset in my day may occur, I really will be okay.

Now when my husband comes home on the weekends and tries to get in the middle of my routine...........THAT is another blog on another day.