Faking It

A friend shared this article with me the other day and it really resonated with me. It is called 23 Truths People With Fibromyalgia Wish Others Understood and you can read the whole thing here.  

I always hesitate to talk about my fibromyalgia because, quite frankly, I know that nobody wants to hear about it.  For heaven's sake my own family doesn't even get it.  I've had it for over 20 years and when I am having a bad day I can say "I'm not feeling well today" and they say to me "Oh, what is going on?"  I've learned to just let that pass and not get upset about it because I can't change other people.  And I'll admit here that I can be the same way with other people and their issues.  Nobody really wants to hear us complain about our aches and pains. I get it.  And  I realize that is rich coming from someone who has made it her only topic of discussion for the past almost year to write about someone's health issues.  I guess I figured when it was my kid I got a pass. 

If you actually went and read the link that I posted you read some quotes from actual people suffering from fibromyalgia and they mostly all resonate with me.  But two of them really stood out to me:

3. “It’s always there. Even though I may act ‘normal,’ I still hurt.” — DeJarnett Sharon

6. “You think I’m faking being sick, but really I’m faking being well.” — Becky Buice

These two statements are true for people suffering from many autoimmune diseases so they don't just apply to me.  These two quotes really struck me because not only are we not feeling well but we have to act differently from what we are feeling all the time just so we don't make other people aware of what we are feeling.  Let me tell you, THAT is also exhausting.  

The statement by Becky Buice really hit home with me because I would venture to guess that most everybody I know has no idea that I'm "faking being well" most every day of my life. I'm not saying that to make anyone feel sorry for me, truly.  It's just that you never know what someone is going through.

There are many activities in life that I would love to be a part of to help others and to serve in ways that I probably will never be able to because of how my body feels.  I've learned to know my limitations and am finally learning how to let it go when I feel guilty for not doing something that I really, really want to do for someone.  

It is very possible that any internal voice that I hear telling me that I am a bad person for not signing up for some committee or doing something in my community is just my own guilt and has nothing to do with other people.  But I do wonder sometimes if people just think I am lazy.  I'm not.

I will say that I have felt so much better after changing a diet issue a couple years ago.  But stress is a huge factor in how the body feels with fibromyalgia so right now I've been having a pain and fatigue flare for more than a month.  This year has finally caught up with me now just when things are starting to settle down a bit.  (Our son is still living with us and we are still doing things to take care of him).

I hope that this has been informative for people who have others that they love or know who suffer in silence while they fake being well every day.  Cut them a little slack.  Encourage them to go lie down and rest. Or just say 'I'm sorry you are having a hard time' instead of asking them what is wrong if they say they don't feel well.  

I have a quote up on the cabinet above my desk and it is ascribed to someone but when I look it up there are many people listed who are credited with saying it so I'll just post it without an author:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Mothers Love

Everyone knows that it is Mother's Day tomorrow.  I could write about how hard it will be to know that all of my kids won't be home with me like chicks under my wings, but I won't.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed with love for the women in my life who I look up to as the guiding compasses of a lifetime.  To me, it seems that I am so blessed because I have had more than my share of love and nurturing.

First, I want to acknowledge and thank my birthmom, Patricia, who though weighed down by the circumstances of her life could have sought to destroy me, but she did not.  She carried me with love and tenderness and made the most selfless act a mother can make and allowed me to be adopted.  I am thankful for her never giving up on finding me and for being the dear friend that I have in her.

My mom, Lorraine, has been and continues to be the mom who has loved me and has done it all for me.  She chose me to be her child and there is no greater love than that but God.  She diapered me, fed me, sat up nights with me, taught me by lesson and by example throughout my life how to be a woman of God.

When I was just a baby my mom took sewing classes so she could make me beautiful clothes.  Through watching her as I grew up,  I was able to acquire a few simple skills that have given me pleasure in sewing. Her patience while allowing me to sit on the back of her chair while sewing amazes me. I clearly didn't get that temperament! My mom made sure that I took piano lessons for 8 years.  Even though I threw a few (many) tantrums about practicing, I am grateful for the ability to do something that gives me a creative outlet and pleasure in making music.  My mom's sweet, soprano voice was my template for the other joy of my life--singing.  Though she didn't sit me down and teach me to cook and clean, through watching her, my mom gave me invaluable lessons through her example of creating of warm and loving home.

Mom made fun costumes for me for Halloween and plays and I never remember her grumbling about it.  If she did, she must have done it without me hearing it! We always had a delicious meal ready for us even if it had to be at 4 p.m. so we could get to our school activities.  And I know that my mom went without nice things so that we kids could have what we needed, though I never heard her mention it.

 She put up with the junior high me who spent countless hours singing at the top of my lungs in the backseat of the car with my best friend Sheila while she and my dad chauffeured us to our school activities.  Her patience with me is never ending and her advice was always true even if I didn't want to take it when I was a teenager or young adult.  To this very day she is my comfort and my friend when I need someone to listen to my heartaches and she prays for me fiercely like no one else I know. My mom has been an amazing grandma who has come to my aid many times while my kids were young.  She did all this even though she had to travel over 500 miles to get to me.

  All of this puts me in awe of her because she never had a mother to do the same for her, yet she manages to do it so well. My sister and I joke with her and sometimes tease her about silly things but in truth, she is the person I most want to emulate when it comes to being a good Christian woman, wife, and mom.

I have had many friends and aunts who also mentored me through life in how to be a mom.  But one who is especially close to my heart is my mom's sister--my Aunt Berta.  Throughout my whole life the fact that she and my mom are so close means that my heart is deeply intertwined with hers.  I have always felt as though she loved me as one of her own children.  One of my earliest memories is when I stayed with her and her family while my mom was hospitalized.  It would take a book to write all of the wonderful memories I have of my aunt.  One particular thing is the way she would read devotions to us when we were little before we went to bed when I stayed at her house.  She has the most tender voice and her prayers for us before sleep made me feel so safe and warm.  Her faith has been an inspiration to me from the moment I knew her until this day.  She has had many sorrows but her faith stands so strong.  This past year I watched her lovingly, unselfishly care for her only daughter as she was dying of cancer.  Her example of love and faithfulness is unmatched.  I've always felt that if my mom moves on to Glory before my aunt that I would think of my Aunt Berta as my mom and  that I would look after her in the same way as I would my own mother.  It grieves me that this will be her first Mother's Day without her daughter. I hope she knows how much I love her.

So, I want to thank the women in my life--my mom, my aunts, my sister, my sisters-in-law, my mother-in-law, friends, and women in my churches who have taught me and shown me what it truly means to be a mom.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Evolution of a Quilt

Today is my youngest child's 17th birthday.  It is really hard to imagine that she is that old already.  She's been ours for 14 years this coming August.  

Today is also the day that I have accomplished something I've been wanting to do for years and that is to make each of my children a special quilt.  I finished up Anna's quilt early this morning around 12:45.  It didn't HAVE to be done on the day, but I wanted it to be done.  I'm kind of bad about gifts not arriving on time because of my lack of thinking about how long something may take to be shipped.  So since I had control over this, I wanted it done.

This quilt has been growing in my mind for a few years since I saw a picture of one that was similar with this darling matroyshka fabric. I found the fabric on amazon and it came from Japan.   I've had it for a couple years but just didn't know where to begin to put it all together.  So this fall I decided that I needed to just do it.  The original quilt had red and white checked fabric where I have the chevron and the dots.  I tried and tried to find the right fabrics but could not find the right gingham.  When I found the chevron and dotted fabrics I realized that I  really love them even more.  

Then I just found some colors similar to the original quilt--a green, a purple and a yellow and a darling turquoise print with which I fell in love.  It took me only an afternoon to cut out the strips and sew them together.  But it has taken me WEEKS to quilt it on my machine with my new walking foot.  I love the finished product.  It took much more time than I imagined it would but I'm thankful that I was able to do it myself.  There were a few days that I spent 7-8 hours simply quilting.  

 It was a labor of love.  It makes me feel like I truly accomplished something.  I hope one day each of my children will appreciate the love and care I have put into each of their quilts.  

Here are some pictures I took this morning after I put on a label.  Mostly this is for my mom who can look at my blog to see how it turned out.


Enjoy!

Love the movement of those zig zags.

The fabric that started it all.   Love those little Matroyshka girls.( Ooops, there is still some disappearing ink on those parts that I couldn't see very well because they were so close to the background color.)

It took some imagination to come up with quilting patterns to fill in all of that space.

I added a hand sewn pop of red to this purple.  Zippidydoodah.

I like to personalize my labels.  This proves that my work is not perfect! :)

Lots and lots of stitches.

Can't wait to give it to her.

Snakes on my Pillow

Yesterday was a day that will live in infamy for me.  

If you follow me on social media you know without any doubt that I found a snake in my house yesterday.  

I'm sorry if that scares you or anything, but, yeah, it was in MY house.  Yes, I freaked out a bit.  And yes, I shoved that thing with my shoe all the way across my kitchen from my living room and pushed it right outside onto my patio. 

 Most people agree with me that I should have killed it. But I was running late to pick up my daughter from school and her school is 30 minute away.  So I hoped in my rapidly beating heart that it would slither away and I would never see it again as I drove down the road having images of snakes slithering up into my bedroom and waking me in the morning.  It didn't help that a high school classmate of mine joked that I would find one on my pillow.  

That post on my social media got more comments than pretty much anything I had ever posted previously.  Which brought me to my next horrifying discovery:  my floor was filthy and my woodwork is totally scratched up from my now 10 months departed dog.

So this morning, partly to satisfy my need to make it look better, and partly to disinfect the snake cooties, I had to clean.  I even got out the scratch remover which I have been needing to do, but had so far avoided.  

Here's to being clean AND snake free for a long time.

Dial M for. . . . . . .

Menopause.

There, I said it.    

It took me over a year to figure out what was making me feel like a crazy woman who had lost herself.  But that's it. The thing that has kept me from blogging because I just couldn't write anything because I felt so blah.  And bad.  And angry.  And lost.  And sad. And worthless.  And the list goes on.

Who really knows how long this had been going on because I had a partial hysterectomy YEARS ago and had no idea that the M word was even happening.  To be honest, I find it hard to even write about this now because it seems impossible that I could even be old enough to consider this.  But I am.  You might be.  And that's why I am writing about it.

I've had friends or family that have struggled with postpartum depression and how it made them feel like a stranger to themselves.  But I had NO point of reference for this other thing. When I told my mom that I felt that she had never changed in my mind during that period in her life she joked that maybe she was grouchy all the time.  No, she was not.

This hormone deficiency has made me miserable as well as most of the people that love me and for that I feel so sorry.  But I got help and now I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I'm so thankful that I came across a funny article written by a woman who was 40 and experiencing the same symptoms that I was and was told she was entering menopause.  It made me realize that I wasn't just becoming a terrible person and that there was hope for me to feel better.  

So here is what I've learned and what I'll pass on to you in case you might be feeling like I was:

• this can happen at any age
• it apparently can last for 5-10 years (yikes)
• there is pharmacological help
• there are bio-identical hormones that can help
• you need to tell your spouse and your family what you are feeling
• you need to talk to your doctor 
• you need friends who have been there
• life can be better

I'm no expert but I'm just trying to lend a hand if you are struggling like I was struggling.  

So, now I can move on and possibly get back to blogging about fun things again.

The Olympics Are Finally Here

So the thing that someone in our house has been highly anticipating is finally here.  

The Olympics in Sochi, Russia are on the air (well, sort of--whenever NBC decides that we should see them) and our DVR is going to be very busy over the next 2 weeks.

My daughter is 16 years old as of last month.  As I recall, being an adopted child who is 16 is about the perfect age to be totally into returning to your roots, finding out who you are in the scope of the world in which you live.  At sixteen I was really into reading books about adoptees who had searched and found their birthparents.  I gave speeches in speech class about it and about adoption.  It truly is the peak time to be finding yourself, whether you are adopted or not, I suppose.

Well, at our house right now, it is all about "the Russia".  

For her birthday we gave her a language program for the computer for her to play with so she could learn Russian or at least try to revive it from her brain a little.  I'm sure our search engine is filled with requests about Sochi and I know that her singing in the past couple of months has been totally focused on the Russian singers she has found on youtube that she loves.  

After this last big snow she went out in our front yard and trudged out the letters SOCHI 2014.  The anticipation has been dripping from her every pore.

Last night after we got home from her basketball game we stayed up really late and watched the DVRed opening ceremony from the Games.

It was fabulous and beautiful.  Sure, it was filled with government propaganda that glossed over the darkest part of the country's history, but it was a fantastic use of modern technology focused on an event showcased for the world to watch.

The music from Russia's history is gorgeous and moody and dark and bright all at the same time.  The dancing was awe inspiring and the singing was tear inducing in its sheer beauty.

Though I am not a lover of world travel, it felt comfortable somehow that I was seeing people from a region of the world to which I have been, knowing that the people are what matter in a country, not the government.  

The people of Russia are wonderful, generous and kind.  

I should know, I live with one.

9 Years

I feel sick to my stomach.  

It has been a long week around our house.  My dear and precious friend, our 9 year old Saint Bernard has been slowly, but surely, going downhill and fast.  

She hasn't eaten in several days.  For about 3 or more nights she seemed to be "sun downing".  She would sleep through the day and then roam restlessly all through the night not really knowing where she was going or why.  Plus, her back legs just are not working right.  

Today she walked from our bedroom to the front door and hit every single thing on her left side as she went along.  I watch her struggle to walk and know it is inevitable that her life is soon going to end.  But it breaks my heart.  She is a most dear friend to me.  We've spent most every minute together since we brought her home.  Where I go, she goes.  

That was true quite literally when she was new and a puppy we couldn't leave alone in the house for hours on end.  We took her everywhere we went when she was a pup.  That made her love going in the car with us.  Her sadness at not going with us always has made me sad too.  

The look on her face when we leave her in the garage if we are going to be gone for many hours cuts me to the core.

I fear there are no more car rides in her future.  If we need to call our sweet vet Erica to put her down it will have to be a house call.  

And that will mean not seeing her romp out of the garage to greet me every single time I return home.  No matter how old she has gotten her excitement at my return has been ever exuberant. 

  That hasn't been happening lately because we are not leaving her outside in the garage anymore.  We go away in shifts so that we don't have to worry that she may wander away, lost in her inability to know where she is going.  It has been so cold that many nights I feared if she wanted to go out in the middle of the night to potty that I might not see her return to the door.  But she has so far.

Today we realized that she hasn't eaten any real food for several days.  She goes outside and licks the snow for a long time.  She drinks water a little.  A little while ago our postman came to the door with a package and made note to us that it seemed as though she had made a mess of herself and indeed she had.  

She is lying in front of the front door which she often does.  Holding down the fort.  Protecting her loved ones.  It is thankfully much warmer today and I'm sure the sunshine feels good to her.  

My heart is aching at the thought of losing her and yet I know it will be soon.  It is hard to say goodbye after 9 years of loving a friend.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Getting Ready for Fall

Just wanted to post a picture of my mantel as I have it right now.  Might do some tweaking (no r in that word)  but I love the printable letters I found online that spell out HARVEST.

What do you think?

Worn Out

I've been feeling worn out lately.  Not so much physically, but mentally.  Life is beating me up a little and it can be so tiring.

Since this is the music from my heart I like to share things that speak to me through music.  This song really ministers to me right now:

And then this.

If you're feeling like me, remember, we can turn to the only Hope we have in this life and the next.  Jesus.

I Love My Country Life

Some of you would be bored to tears with what has been my life of being a stay at home mom and wife for the past almost 30 years.  (Yikes!)  But it is the life I dreamed of having even as a young child.  My mom made it look easy because she was so efficient at doing it.  But she loved us well which is the only thing that really mattered.

A few minutes ago, I gathered up the trash in my house and went out to burn it.

  I stood a safe distance away from the barrels to watch over the fire lest it get away on the lovely breeze we are having today and ignite the rapidly ripening cornfield just a couple feet away.  Normally, wind is the word I would use here in the wheat state.  Wind is a daily part of our lives generally, but today it can only be described as a beautiful, fall breeze.

I moved a potted plant to a better place to get sun and spent some time tickling the cat.

As I stood under the magnificent maple tree that has lived here far longer than I, the only sound I could hear was the crackling fire and the sound of cicadas chirping in the background.  No traffic noise.  In fact, a car passed by my house while I was standing there and I heard the lone sound of it on our gravel road long before I saw it.

We were up long before the sun as we must in order to be ready for the school bus to arrive around 7 a.m.  Today was my day to send treats for the highs school volleyball team and we got those packed up as our daughter got ready for school.  She had too much heavy school related baggage already so I decided to drive it to school soon after the first bell rang.  The quick trip to school took 30 minutes out of my day but the drive was pleasant on this beautiful autumn morning.  When I was nearly home a coyote almost ran right into the side of my car but took note of me and ran around me to cross the road.

It is the time of year when I officially have lost the battle of weeds in my landscape and I'm just tired of maintaining it all at a modicum of perfection.  Every year I get to a point when I just want to enjoy my yard instead of being a slave to it.  Since we have had more heat recently,  I still water it when it needs it but mostly, just enjoy the fruits of my summer labor.

The tomatoes are on their last offerings of deliciousness.  I dread the day that I can no longer eat as many fresh tomatoes as I want to eat from my yard each day.

I'll be doing some loads of laundry and tidying up my mostly neat house.  Clean?  Not really.  Neat.  Yes.

Later this afternoon I will travel the road back to our school and watch a couple of volleyball games before we return home to do homework, take showers and go to bed and prepare for another day tomorrow.

Long behind me are the days when I cooked for seven and waded through the mess that was a life bursting with kids and their constant activity.  I've done that life.

I'm loving my life now.  The simple joy of a clean, empty sink and modern appliances.

It is time for living for the joy.  It is time for autumn bonfires.  I'm so ready.

I LOVE my country life.

As Cabelas is to Men. . .

Our trip last weekend held some fun times other than attending the beautiful wedding.  As I said before, we drove up on Saturday, attended the lovely rehearsal dinner and went to bed.  

On Sunday we got up and did a couple of things that we consider our "vacation"--the first one with all but one of us since 2007.  What did we do?

We went to IKEA!!!!    I have been dreaming about visiting Ikea for quite a while now but knew there wasn't one within an easy drive of our home--only three choices: Chicago, Dallas or Minneapolis.

So since we were in Minneapolis and staying across the street from the Mall of America and Ikea we visited both places in the few hours that we had free that day.  

Ikea was amazing.  So much fun to traipse through the showroom floor and pretend to live in all of the beautiful room settings they have there.  Yeah, we got a few groans and moans about how boring it was from a couple of male family members. But, hey, we rationalized that it is to women what Cabelas is to men. We have certainly visited THOSE type of stores more than a couple of times!

The whole store is fascinating (especially if you live in the boonies like we do).  The marketplace floor and the self-serve floor were equally thrilling to us.  I could have lived in there for about a week I think.

So much to see and touch!  But, alas, we were on a limited time schedule and the guys could only take so much of it.  

I got a couple of things and I am excited to show them to you.  One is something I once pinned and the other was a pillow that I could NOT resist for the price.  It is SO Scandinavian and since our kids are part Swede I had to get it.  

Here is the little cart I got to help keep my little office area neater:

Isn't it cute? It is turquoise and that means it is PERFECT.

Here is the pillow on my bed and you have to admit it looks adorable:

That very Swedish print was on many textiles there but this one was the cutest and the most portable!  Isn't it fun?!

After this we went over to the Mall of America where we had been before (since Craig's sister lives like 5 minutes away) and walked around the amusement park floor a bit, had lunch and then Anna bought a MN sweatshirt.  

By then we had to go back to our hotel and get ready for the wedding since we had to be at the church by 2:30 for a family picture.  

The wedding was at 4 and it was so lovely.  Heidi and Jon are an adorable couple and the wedding ceremony was so sweet and Christ-centered.  Not only did we get to see Heidi get married, but our other niece and two nephews sang and played for the special music song so we got to hear them sing together for the first time.

Here's the darling bride and groom:

All in all it was a great (although brief) time with family in the Northland.

I'll sign off here, joyfully thinking about the new IKEA being built in Kansas City that will open in 2014!

2nd Grade Revisited

Okay, so I'm sick. But not really contagious unless you are a newborn baby or a pregnant woman. 

I have "shingles" and it really stinks.  When the doctor first said that word I thought, "oh crap, that is what old people get".  But now I'm just thinking "oh, crap, this really feels awful".

I went to church yesterday because I had been taking medicine for a day and a half at that point and thought surely that I would be consistently feeling better.  Plus, we were only doing three worship songs and I figured that wouldn't take that much energy.  But I was tuckered out after our pre-service practice.

This morning I slept while my husband took daughter to weight training.  I'm supposed to go wait for the cable guy to come to my son's new place later today and I'm hoping that I feel a little more energetic by then.

Shingles is the same virus as chicken pox and last night as I went to bed early AGAIN I remember how sick I was in second grade when I had the pox.  Sure, my best friend and I got together one day while we had them and sat under her dining room table and counted each other's pox, but for most of my time having them I was under the weather.  I remember it because I had them first in our family.  Actually, my whole 2nd grade class was out with them if I remember correctly.  It all started when Randy H. nearly passed out getting off the bus. . .

My brother and sister got the pox after I was recovered and they had many more sores or pox but were happy-go-luckily playing the whole time (it seemed to me) and did not feel sick with fever or lack of energy.  

So here I am feeling like a second grader but not with that kind of energy.  Just feeling blah.   The bad thing is my calendar still has something on it most every day this week.  And I still have a house to run and a kid and a husband to feed.  

Being sick was a whole lot easier when I was in 2nd grade!

If Only My Blog Had Scratch N Sniff

Today has been about the most normal day of our summer so far.  And by normal I mean, we got up and went to weight training (I sit in the car) and now we've actually been home all morning.  Which is good.  Very, very good.

When your days are dotted with only brief periods at home it is hard to get motivated to get things done.  Well, for me, anyway.

So this morning, I have gotten things done.

Laundry has somehow piled up around here even though it seems I do it every couple of days.  Trash is being burned.  (Hey, we live in Kansas.  It is okay.)  I'm running some CLR through my dishwasher to clean it up.  Got my trash cans soaking in bleach and water out in the sun.  

And yet, somehow, there is still a funky smell in my house.  And outside my house.

Part of the outside smell is all the pollen from all the corn surrounding our home which is in FULL FORCE right now.  My itchy eyes and nose thank you, corn.

But for a few weeks now I've felt like there was kind of a dead animal smell outside.  Sometimes the funkiness creeps inside.  My dog might have something to do with that.  

She is at the groomer today to get shaved again and bathed so for at least a day or two she will smell good.  

There don't seem to be any large animal carcasses on our road or the main road that zooms by our house.  But it gives me a strange feeling.  Like maybe something died in the trees out north and we are just going to get the odor  of it for a long time.

Too bad this isn't a scratch n sniff blog or you could help me out with the identification of said smell.  But you're probably really glad that it isn't!

In Good Company

This morning I woke up and I was 50 years old.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I have been dreading this number for a while now.

For one thing, most of my friends are older than me and I've given them so much ribbing over the years because they were always older than me that I probably deserve any teasing I get.

But, mostly, it is just that it feels like I am moving from one world to another and it is frightening.  I like the 40 something world I've been living in and I would be very happy to live there for a long time.

So.  This morning.  I got up, as I have all summer, earlier than I wanted to and took my daughter to weight training.  I sat in the car and slept while she did her thing.  We came home and I went back to bed.  I figured I was allowed to do what I want on my birthday!  I got a phone call from my mom and my daughter crawled into bed with me.

She (my daughter) has games late tonight so she is now sleeping in my bed getting a well deserved nap.

After getting up, I singularly opened the gifts from my mom and my sister and the cards that had come in the mail.  Then I sat down to read my devotions for the day.

"Trust Me and don't be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Do not let fear dissipate your energy.  Instead, invest your energy in trusting Me and sing My Song.  The battle for control of your mind is fierce, and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy.  Therefore, you need to be vigilant in guarding your thoughts.  Do not despise this weakness in yourself, since I am using it to draw you closer to Me.  Your constant need for Me creates an intimacy that is well worth the effort.  You are not alone in this struggle for your mind.  My Spirit living within you is ever ready to help in this striving.  Ask Him to control your mind; He will bless you with Life and Peace."
                                                                                        from  Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

One of the Scriptures at the bottom of the page is Isaiah 12:2
          "See, God has come to save me.  I will trust in him and not be afraid.  The LORD GOD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

God is so good.  He knows my heart well and speaks directly to my fears and shortcomings.

Turning 50 means you look at your life and wonder what you have done with it.  You wonder, did you teach your children the one thing that mattered to you.  You fear you have fallen short.  You see that life is so fragile and fleeting and that you don't have as much time as you think to get it right.

Today, I'm going to have to trust Jesus and not my own fears of failure.  And tomorrow I'm going to wake up and have to do it all over again.  But I know I am in good company.  There are so many people who have  gone ahead of me on this path that are doing it right.

Thanks, friends, for being such great examples of living!

Ten Years

Aside from the just plain horror of the story of the three kidnapped girls who are now free, it got me thinking...

Ten years.

SO much can happen in ten years and they've missed it all.

Ten years ago my kids were 18, 15, 13, 10, and 5.
Today, they are obviously ten years older than that.

Ten years ago my dad was still alive.
Today he's been gone for  8 years.

Ten years ago my house was still "new".
Today it could use a good cleaning.

Ten years ago my mother-in-law still lived in her own home.
Today it seems like she's lived in a nursing home for so long.

Ten years ago I had kids in preschool, grade school, junior high and high school. 
 Today I have one kid at home and she is going into  high school.

Ten years ago our family get togethers were mostly kids and there were three of the original Fab Four couples with us in-betweeners  filling in the rest.
Today those kids have so many kids and we have said goodbye to all of the men in our family above the age of 60.

Ten years ago we were going to church in a packed old building and Sunday school classes were all over town.
Today we have been in our beautiful new church for enough time to feel like we've always been there and there is room for more.

Ten years ago I was 39.
Today I am not.

Just think about all the changes in your life over the last ten years and realize how grateful we can be to have been a part of every one of the changes, whether happy or sad.

I pray the three girls whose lives were stolen from them will begin to heal and that the next many years of their lives will be full of wonderful memories.

Oh, Hello There. I'm Still Here.

It has been almost 2 months since I wrote anything on this blog.  Even so, I am amazed that there are still people reading something on here almost every day.  I  don't really have anything in my head right now that I need to get out but I thought I would transfer a note from facebook to here today since I forgot I had written it until today.  Hope it means something to you.

Touching Heaven, Changing Earth

by Linda Mickelson Polson (Notes) on Saturday, September 5, 2009 at 8:25pm

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Those are the words of a song we are going to sing at our church during worship tomorrow morning. We've sung it many times over the past several years. I think it means more to me now than ever. No, I haven't gotten another life altering diagnosis. But I've been thinking a lot today.

This afternoon I watched part of Greg Laurie's (pastor of Harvest Fellowship in CA) 2009 Harvest Crusade. My heart was so touched at watching hundreds of people come forward after hearing the gospel and responding to it by placing their faith in Jesus Christ. I even cried.

As I was sitting there getting all choked up it reminded me of my dad. He always used to get teary eyed when watching something wholesome on tv or listening to a great gospel message. It occurred to me that back when I was younger, and even not so much younger, it kind of made me uncomfortable to see my dad get so emotional about the gospel. Admittedly, there were times when I was feeling the same way he was but I realize now so much more what he was feeling back then.

My dad is in heaven now and though I miss him being a part of my earthly life I am thrilled for him to be at Jesus' side healthy and whole. Since his death, I was diagnosed with a very deadly cancer and was not given much hope at the outset that I would survive it. I did, but it gave me a new outlook on dying and heaven and how much I want to know that my family and friends will be there with me.

This past year I've been leading a Bible study on Heaven, a book written by Randy Alcorn. I've also sung at more funerals in the past year than I think I have previously in all of my life. Now, you might be thinking, 'she is just becoming middle aged and thinking about her own mortality'. You would be right about that in one sense. But deep down I'm starting to understand my dad's urgency to have all of his loved ones near him for all of eternity.

Two weeks ago at our church we watched a video of a young man preaching to those who are "church people" who are going to hell because they never truly repented and turned away from sin. Not just big sin like murder and adultery but whatever little pet sins we have like something as simple as tolerating filth in movies and television. My dad had firm opinions about that as well. If one "bad"word was said the show was turned off. I used to be embarrassed by that to some degree.

But as I have struggled to mature in my faith the past several years I'm seeing a change in my heart. I guess it is spiritual maturity although I have a LONG LONG way to go. The more I get to know Jesus the more things that hurt Him hurt me. And so, the more I see the world spinning out of control and what I believe is closer to Christ's return, the more I feel an urgency to KNOW, really KNOW that my loved ones will all get to share in that glorious Heaven with me. And it is SO much more than I ever dreamed it would be. I told my Bible study group that as a kid, who lost a young friend to death, I thought Heaven would be nice because at Dairy Queen you would never have to pay for ice cream.

Studying about Heaven (and it is mentioned ALL throughout the Bible, not just in Revelation) I'm seeing Heaven everywhere. I'm hearing it in every new song I listen to and seeing it in books I read.

Life here is so short and eternity is FOREVER. Please take a hard look at your life and make sure that you have made things right with God. He made them right with you through Jesus and all you have to do is decide to take it. Not because I did or my dad did. But because you need it just like everyone else who has ever lived.

Love you! 

The Molasses is Moving Pretty Slowly

This week has been the second in a row that I have been a virtual single parent and to be honest it has been wearing on me.  I'm tired of answering all of the questions and being the only one being loved on by my one at home.  That sounds awful but, trust me, it is valid.

Also, I am tired because I have trouble getting to sleep as a normal way of life but when I am here alone, it is worse.  I know that I am NOT alone.  One thing that keeps me going is this verse written on my bedroom wall which I can read when I am lying there alone.

But something about knowing you are the only one responsible for the safety of your lives and home is a little daunting.  My dog does go into "super security mode" when I am here alone.  She barks more and she does perimeter checks regularly which she doesn't always do when there is someone else here with me.

Probably the worst part of my being home alone this week has been my absolute lack of desire to do anything.  No motivation,  folks.

But today with the homecoming of my husband at hand I feel a little more ambitious.  The sad thing is that this lack of motivation has been ongoing for a few months now.

Usually before my kids go back to school after Christmas break I've gotten the old Christmas pictures down and the new ones up.  

Guess what I did TODAY?

Is there a phrase that means LESS motivated than "slower than molasses?