Pretty In Pain

I don't know about you but when I am in pain it just isn't pretty.  Which can be a huge problem for me since having fibromyalgia means that I'm in pain every day to some extent.  


This week I'm having an issue with a hip which makes me feel like a 90 year old hag.  I've actually been having this issue for a while now but it came to a head in the last couple weeks.  I went to my doctor last week (who I love because she always takes all the time I need and never makes it seem like she is trying to get me 'out of the way' so she can get on to her next case) and she suggested either physical therapy or going to my chiropractor.  


Apparently my chiropractor who I also loved has decided not to practice anymore. I can't imagine why since she only has 4 kids, is expecting a 5th, has a farmer for a husband and pretty much life in general is h-e-c-t-i-c .  I'm feeling sorry for myself because I finally settled in to being her patient and loving the fact that she lived literally 2 miles from my house (which is close in the country).  So alas, I probably should make that phone call and get some PT.  


All of a sudden I feel like I've been talking to my almost 81 year old mother.  Although, she is in better shape than me.  No hip pain there.  


What is bothering me just as much today, though, is that when I am in severe pain I can be WICKED to my family.  Sorry for this visual picture, but kind of like if you push on a huge zit and the pus comes pouring out. This week I am a giant zit.


 I don't want to be touched, my cooking stinks, and I'm really grouchy. All of that pus-like pain overflows into my interactions with the people I claim to love the most.  Some are more understanding than others.  That's all I'm going to say.


But that is NOT what I want.  I WANT to be one of those gracious people that I read about who go through incredible suffering and keep a smile on their face and love others in spite of themselves.  


I guess it just keeps going back to the whole "dying to myself" thing that Jesus taught us over and over since we just don't like it all that much.


Late this past summer I was driving for a long time alone and was noticing something about the crops soon ready for harvest all around me.  It occurred to me that in order for the fruit of the plant to be harvested and used for good the plant itself had to die.  At the time I was immersing myself in the Word and asking God to keep making me die more and more so that He could bring fruit in my life.


This morning while I was reclining on my bed and a heating pad I grabbed a great book I referred to in another post.  Maybe you are a better person than I and don't have to talk yourself out of bad moods and such but I was trying to get my focus on something other than the pain.  I ask God a lot to take away pain.  But I think I just need to remember that it is working death in me and that is far better.  Sounds kind of morbid if you don't understand Who God is but if you do you'll get it.  


I'm going to close with a quote from page 49 of Francis Chan's book Forgotten God:Reversing Our Tragic Neglect Of The Holy Spirit:


Often, it's the un-promised request that God answers with a no.
    There is a huge difference between believing what God has promised and praying for things you'd like to be true.  I encourage you to pray confidently for what God has promised.  Don't put your hope in what others promise or what you've been told you'll "get" if you are a "good Christian"  (e.g., a good job, financial success,the perfect spouse, healthy children, a big house, etc.)  And ultimately, you need to stake your faith in God alone, not in the gifts (good as they may be) that He gives.  It really comes down to trust.  Do you trust God that when He says no or "not in this way" to you, you still believe He is good and doing what is best?


And if you think of it, say a little prayer and ask God to make me more "pretty" in pain.