Like Broken Glass

Occasionally I read a blog by someone I don't know, but, who knows someone I know.  You know what I'm talking about.

Anyway.  She likes to sometimes rate her posts as BH as a kind of warning like a movie rating.  Today I'm rating this post BH (brutally honest).

I'm just going to say it:  It's been a rough week around here.  Most weeks are pretty much just like this one when it comes to activities and such.  But the emotional tsunami of me is off the charts just now.

It will be hard to relate my thoughts here without just sounding like I'm whining, but stay with me.

• As my friends in the deeper South like to say: Y'all  Christmas is coming so soon!  Truthfully, that is the least of my issues. I've really, really tried to take things more in stride this year and do what I can when I can and not worry about the rest.  I've done about 98% of my shopping online and it has been wonderful.  There's something wonderful about someone coming to your door and bringing you a package, even if it is not for you!  But I'm feeling the pressure.

•  I didn't write a Christmas newsletter this year and I'm feeling really guilty about it. To quote someone else, "I ran out of nice things to say about all of us."  I just sent a little update on each of my kids and left it at that.  At some point, I've just run out of clever things to say about each of us that is new or different from the last year.  Not to mention that blogging fulfills a writing need in me so I've got that going for me!

• Fibromyalgia.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

• I have a girl in middle school.  Again, that's all I need to say.      

• We've had a major activity EVERY SINGLE NIGHT THIS WEEK.                                                    

• I have an adult son with a broken heart.  I. Can't. Even. Express. How. Difficult. This. Is. 

• Two of my adult children need their wisdom teeth out.  Can I mention here that this morning I was reading the news about young people who are dying after or during this surgery?

That might not seem like much to you, but for me, it is a tsunami.

Through all of the activities of this week I've had to fight the urge to just cry my eyes out and wail about how painful life can be.  And quite honestly, sometimes I've been a bit grouchy.  (I forgot that bullet point about me being a middle aged woman!)

Just now I got home from getting groceries and a song came on the radio by Natalie Grant.  Anna loves her and has her CD.  I  enjoy singing along with her but usually don't "hear" the words of the song she was singing.  But today I heard.  And today they were so totally describing me it was scary.

I have been a wayward child

I have acted out

I have questioned Sovereignty

And had my share of doubts

And though sometimes my prayers feel like

They're bouncing off the walls

The hand I hold won't let me go

And here's the reason why

I will stumble, I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes 

I will face heartache

But I  will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

And here's where it has really hit home:

Bitterness has plagued my heart

Many times before

My life has been like broken glass

And I have kept the score

Of all my shattered dreams

And though it seemed

That I was too far gone

My brokenness helped me to see

It's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes 
I will face heartache
But I  will not be moved


On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved


And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
And though I've been torn


I will not be moved, no, no
I will not be moved, no

I will not be moved, no

I will make mistakes 
I will face heartache
But I  will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

I will not be moved, no, no
 Not be moved, no, no, no, no, no



Oh, sweet readers!  I have kept the score. I have been broken.  Bitterness plagues me sometimes.  I've acted out and been so ashamed!  My dreams for my kids are sometimes broken.  I  think we all tend to wear the chaos of our lives like a badge as if to say, "Look at my life.  I have so much going on and I  MAKE IT HAPPEN!"  


Today, I'm confessing.  I need Jesus! I can't make it happen.  I can't fix broken dreams. Or wishes to have my child feel like she matters to someone.  There is so much pain that I cannot fix.


And I  just needed to say that here.  I pray that you will see me through the eyes of forgiveness and compassion.  We all need a little more of that.