This morning I debated within my soul whether it was better to just head for home or stop in at the hospital and see him again before leaving. I decided against seeing him again because I knew it would just make things harder for both of us.
Last night when I got back to my hotel room alone, with yet another freshly made personal pizza from the restaurant next door to our hotel, the stillness and the quietness, the extreme loneliness of that room with its proximity to, yet distance from my son, broke me.
As I laid in that bed last night before sleep could come, I bawled my eyes out. The dichotomy of my life spread out before me: 1) my longing to go home and be part of our very boring, usual life 2)the longing to stay by my son's side to comfort him, help him and be near him during this tough time.
And in that moment I. COULD.NOT.WIN.
Anyone reading this is certainly getting tired of my writing about it, but nonetheless our lives have not changed. We are still in this state of limbo which has us living two separate worlds of existence.
It was at that moment that I posted the words of Rich Mullins' song Hold Me Jesus onto social media. It was all that I could cling to at the moment.
Hold me, Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace.
Life feels like there is no glory right now. Many of you have been there and worse. So many friends have actually had to bury their children whether newborn, young, or grown and I realize that we are not THERE. But I think you are the people who get me right now. No glory and on the surface seemingly no peace. But that's the thing. There is peace. And in this moment I have to, I MUST let Jesus be the Prince of that peace. The One who will take me through it when it feels like it is never going to end. The One who knows the beginning from the end. The only One who can hold me when there seems to be no glory and I'm shaking worse than a leaf.
A little while ago I walked into my home in the country which I love so much and it felt stale and unfamiliar yet again. Alternately, good old room XXX at the hotel where we are "living" in the city also has lost its appeal even though it is near to one of our beloved children. The now and the not yet.
I'm not writing this down to make you feel sorry for me. It is just how I get all of my "feels" out.
Easter is my favorite day ever. Not Christmas, Easter. I haven't been in church for 6 weeks. I don't miss the building though it is special. But I miss the Word being preached, the fellowship of other believers and the beauty of worship as a congregation. Sunday, I will be there with my fellowship singing Christ Is Risen and it will mean so much to me to sing that to my King and Prince of peace.
Hold me, Jesus.